Four Places to Scare Yale Students on Campus

While winning the actual game is one aspect of proving to the Ivy League that Harvard is the best (not that we have to), everyone knows that the real battle at Harvard-Yale is which student section shows the most school pride. Yelling, posters, and tailgates all thrive on a crowd. If you’re hosting Yale students and want to knock your enemies off their game, take them to these four places — it’ll send them Ubering all the way back to New Haven before Saturday morning.

1. Widener

This is the first stop on your Harvard tour. It's nonchalant and lowkey, and it’ll give them a false sense of security before going in that will make them even more terrified of the next stops. Show them the main rooms, let them marvel at Harvard’s beauty. Then take them to the stacks. Slowly start to walk around, then quickly run to the elevator without them, and if you can turn the automatic lights off, do it. Leave them behind.

2. Lamont Basement Bathroom

Once you have reunited with your Yale student, pretend to be confused — they will believe you, since they have a false superiority complex that they’re smarter than us. Lead them to Lamont basement. Then, pretend to need a bathroom break; enough said.

3. The Quad

After scaring the Yalie (for the second time), they’ll need a scenic walk to cool off and explore the beauties of campus. Take that 30 15-minute walk to the Quad. Sit in the lawn chains. Play spikeball with fellow students, and be aggressive. Then, in the middle of playing, run to the shuttle stop and don’t look back. Just like many Harvard students who don’t know how to walk from the Quad to the River, the poor, confused, and hopefully directionally challenged Yale student will have no choice but to embrace the quadded life.

4. Tasty Basty

Your final stop of the night is Tasty Basty; it’s never great, and they charge a cover at the door. The sweaty environment full of freshmen, combined with the muscle fatigue and mental strain from the day, will make them so exhausted they have no choice but to retreat to New Haven before The Game.

If your Yale student somehow sticks around after this transformative Harvard experience, just turn their alarm off in the morning and leave before they wake up. They will probably sleep through the game, but they hopefully won’t miss their shuttle back home. They’ve got a long way to go, and it would be an expensive Uber back, especially combined with their mental failure. Have a safe and fun Harvard-Yale, and bring energy to the game. Roll Crim!