How To: Scare Your Parents

After weeks of an on-again-off-again relationship with the sun — never really knowing when it was officially time to put my t-shirts away — it’s safe to say that sweater weather is here to stay. Along with cozying up in sweatshirts and sweatpants, it’s finally time to get into the spooky Halloween spirit (yippee!) by watching reruns of “Girl vs. Monster” and Amazon priming last-minute costumes. The only issue is… Halloweekend 2024 falls on family weekend… just like it did last year (not yippee). As you brace yourself to take a page out of Hannah Montana’s book on how to balance a double life, read our tried and true tips on how to scare your parents:

1. Lie about having midterms to study for

Look, being a college student is especially hard during midterm season. With paper after paper, and exam after exam, it can feel like there is no end in sight. Without a clear finish line to look forward to, the month of October, quite frankly, is a bit of a downer.

So, if you want to scare your parents as much as checking Canvas during this month scares you, tell them that the bulk of your midterms miraculously falls on the week right after Halloweekend Family Weekend. Instead of grabbing dinner with your parents, you’ll unfortunately be stuck in Lamont on Friday and Saturday night being an academic weapon (you poor, poor thing). Bonus points if they get so scared that they buy you pity study snacks you’ll inevitably eat in your dorm at 2 a.m. with your friends.

2. Cancel on breakfast plans and take them to the dhall instead

Due to your long, long night of studying, you may unfortunately wake up late and miss family breakfast. But before you freak out as you check your phone and see a dozen missed calls from your parents, think of the silver lining that has presented itself to you: the opportunity to introduce your parents to the finest brunch on this side of the river. Yup, you guessed it, HUDS. As you give them a tour of our exquisite selection of fresh berries (...oh wait) and chicken options that are never slightly pink on the inside, make sure to stop by the Oatly machine to show them what a nutritious diet you have!

3. Give them a room tour

Once you finish up in the dhall, be a good child and invite your parents over to your suite. After all, since Harvard is your home away from home, it’s only natural for your parents to be curious about how you’ve utilized your dorm space. Make sure to show them your unmade bed, overpriced cans of Celsius that you bought at CVS during an especially vulnerable evening, and your laundry hamper that is definitely not overflowing with dirty clothes. Bonus points if the Halloween costume that you did not wear the night before is lying on the ground, or if your mother sighs or shakes her head at you at any point during the tour.

4. Celebrate Harvard’s victory over Princeton

What better way to spend quality time with your family than at the Harvard v. Princeton football game. You can shock your parents with how much school spirit Harvard students have as they check the score maybe one time from Lamont and say, “Oh, cool I guess.” You’ll make family memories that will last a lifetime and get mentioned at every Thanksgiving to come.

While Halloweekend x Family Weekend may seem daunting at first, these tips are sure to make your experience all the more enjoyable. No matter what happened between Thursday and Sunday, what will remain true is the love your family has for you. So just sit back and enjoy the spooky ride.