Quiz: What Type of Online Student Are You?

For five weeks you’ve been a student of Zoom University, and the standard Harvard archetypes no longer apply. Feel like you don’t recognize the person you see in your webcam anymore? Take this quiz to find out your new role in the virtual classroom.

Which of these things from Tiger King do you identify most strongly with?

A. Shaquille O’Neal’s denial of his friendship with Joe Exotic

B. Joe Exotic running for president and winning 962 votes

C. John Finlay’s new beard-weave

D. The sardine oil that Carole Baskin may or may not have doused her husband in

What is your favorite Facebook meme group?

A. “A Group You Can Only Join if You're Ugly but we actually check”

B. “Wholesome Memes for Kindhearted Homies”

C. “Finance Memes for Investment Banking Teens”

D. “Zoom Memes for Self Quaranteens,” but you use it like it’s subtle asian dating

What does your Zoom background look like?

A. A beautiful image of wine and cheese

B. No matter what you set your background to, Zoom keeps thinking your body is part of it and turns you into floating eyes and a mouth

C. The pink wall from The Office

D. The letter Hannah Ann wrote for Peter on The Bachelor

What game from your childhood have you been playing?

A. Club Penguin

B. Oregon Trail

C. Webkinz

D. The only games I’m playing are mind games with my Tinder matches.

What’s your favorite quarantine snack?

A. Tequila — it’s gluten-free!

B. Freshly baked cookies

C. I was one of the people who bought out the grocery story before quarantine started, so I’ve been eating all types of canned delicacies next to my mountain of toilet paper.

D. Dalgona coffee

Results:

Mostly As: You quit being a student back in March

What’s worse: your screen time or your lack of motivation? It’s really hard to tell, but maybe if you take a long enough nap, you’ll wake up in time for the end of quarantine. When it was announced that classes would be pass-fail, you turned your brain off faster than Harvard kicked us off campus. You have yet to make it to any of your classes; you would much rather attend Facebook events like “lie on the floor and listen to melodrama”. You move so little that even your Fitbit can’t tell if you’re awake or not.

Mostly Bs: The boomer turned zoomer

From going to the bathroom without turning your sound off to accidentally turning yourself into a potato, you’ve committed every single Zoom faux pas. It doesn’t matter how many reminders you’re given, you can’t remember to mute yourself. With your devices’ microphones amplifying your background noises, you turn every class into an ASMR video. No one can blame you though because at least you’re trying?

Mostly Cs: The try-hard

The extra freetime in quarantine has fueled you to go full steam ahead. You’ve seen memes about the quarantine struggle, but you can’t relate to any of them. Even being in Pacific Time doesn’t stop you from being the first person to Zoom class. Your friends are disappointed that their summer internships were cancelled, but you planned ahead for this, and two of your three backup internships are remote. Most impressively, you cut yourself bangs — and they look really good.

Mostly Ds: The quaran-schemer

You keep track of your days by counting the number of people you’ve ghosted. Initially you were picky with who you wanted to Netflix and flatten the curve with. But as quarantine drags on, even the section kid who’s trigger-happy for the raise hand function is looking cute. You couldn’t physically go to Rome this spring, but you’ve been making up for it by setting your Tinder location all around the globe. You’re not looking for a soulmate, though — you just realize there will never be another socially acceptable time to hit on someone with “Hey, do you have coronavirus? ‘Cause I can’t stop looking achoo.”