​The Diseases You’ll Get at Harvard

Life at this prestigious institution is a great experience. Students from over 153 countries and from across all 50 states get to mix and mingle—as do their germs. We guarantee that sooner or later one of the following maladies will have you heading to HUHS for some treatment… And probably to a few other hospitals as well. After all, if you haven't spent time in quarantine, do you even go to Harvard?

Mono

Awkward eye contact in Annenberg isn’t the only consequence of sloppy makeouts at sweaty parties. If you think you’re safe because you had mono in high school, think again. The student you exchanged saliva with could be from anywhere in the world (or simply an intruder from Northeastern University), meaning you might just encounter a new strain. It’s rare, but be on the lookout.

Strep

Same symptoms as mono, but for people who spend their Saturday nights doing psets rather than going out. At least you can catch up on those readings while you’re out of class.

Chronic common cold

This is most serious for freshmen who don’t know how to take care of themselves. After the second month of surviving on cough drops and Nyquil-induced sleep, you’ll be longing for your mom to appear at the side of your flimsy, college-issue bunk bed. At this point, we’ve got no hope or advice left for you. We’re pretty sure Berg orange juice contains no vitamin C. Just turn the other way when you sneeze, please.

Mumps

By this point just a fact of Harvard life, this archaic disease has ravaged campus for the past few years. Honestly, at this point, there's no one to blame but yourself. Hasn't Paul J. Barreira told you more than enough time to wash your damn hands?

Something you’ve never heard of before

If you don’t recognize any of the words in your HUHS diagnosis, don’t panic. You’re not special. There are a lot of weird diseases lurking around campus. We’re wondering: is it Hand, Foot and Mouth disease or Foot, Mouth and Hand? Does the order even matter? And why is it capitalized?

A literal WW2 disease

Harvard takes its status as the oldest university in the United States pretty seriously, and this extends to its illnesses as well. Sure, tuberculosis may not be commonly found in industrialized countries anymore, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have it.

If you’ve gone six for six, keep going. Your Harvard career has only just begun, so we trust that you’ll find plenty more opportunities to get sick. And no, throwing up in the bathroom at school-sponsored events does not count. That’s just plain gross.