Dispatching With a Nose-Picking Roommate and Navigating the Friend Zone

Welcome back to Listen Up! Your trusted Flyby advisers—two uniquely unqualified, naïve, decidedly uninteresting juniors—are back on campus with the latest advice and invaluable counsel.

Before we begin, we just wanted to clarify to everyone that some questions quite frankly do not belong in an advice column. Oh, we’re not talking about the raunchy (one anon asked about a fantasy they had with a Tasty Burger), or the inane (“I literally do no homework...is that bad?”). We’re talking about questions that have real answers. Questions about how to fill out your fall wardrobe? Yes, yes, yes. Questions about how long summer lasts? No, no, no. (Apparently, scientists haven’t actually figured out how long summer lasts. Current estimates about the length of summer ranges from five seconds to five hundred days.)

How do I ask a girl to dance with me for my friend?

Try words (though not the grammatically incorrect ones you used in asking this question.)
Or a scented note.

If you were stuck in a room with a walrus, a giraffe and a pineapple, what would you do?

Be glad that we’re not stuck in a room with whoever wrote this question.

We love youuuuuuu! When are you coming to dc?????

Dear Barack and Michelle,

It’s great to hear from you again. We both have this little thing called college at the moment, but maybe Thanksgiving at the White House? You bring the dance moves, we’ll bring the candied yams.

Oh, and tell Bo we say hi :)

What should I do if my roommate picks her nose?

So many options to choose from:

1. Offer to give her a hand.
2. Take the opportunity to pick your own nose, but with more purpose and vigor.
3. Place a single tissue on her desk for every time she picks her nose. Hopefully, she gets the message.
4. Call the building manager to report an inhospitable environment.
5. Gather petitions to submit a referendum question in the next UC election banning nose picking.

So I like this guy... we're friends. We have deep meaningful conversations. We have fun. I hang out with him and his friends. Things are progressing nicely, until he goes on a date with some other person. Halp?

Well you could start by not spelling the word “help” with the letter a. That’s just poor personal form and will repel any possible romantic development.

We can already identify the biggest problem in this situation: “I hang out with him and his friends.” Don’t fool yourself and think of this as an asset. When all of you are hanging out, he sees as just one of many amorphous individuals. You want to stand out? Ditch his friends. Drop them like they’re hot (well presumably they’re not hot, or you would be pursuing them).

A match between champions. By Steven R. Watros

You seem to also be implying that you’re in some sort of “friend zone.” Prepare yourself because we’re about to drop some quality information into your box of knowledge. The “friend zone” is not a thing. It’s just an excuse to be lazy. Look at all the classic couples throughout history: Jim and Pam, Chandler and Monica, Ron and Hermione. What do they all have in common? Long-time friends before successful couples.

Just ask him to hang out just the two of you. We’re sure things will work out. And if they don’t? You can always hope for a botched wedding in England to provide that accidental spark to kick start a relationship.

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