Reasons You Shouldn't Go To Harvard

Applicants to the Class of 2018 hear back from Harvard today. While Harvard may seem appealing for its prestige and history, accepted students should be aware Harvard’s hidden ominous dark side. Here are 7 reasons you should definitely stay away.

NERDS!
Everyone at Harvard is a nerd! The frat stars are nerds, the athletes are nerds, and the nerds are nerds! Everyone, myself included, is a nerd.

The Toaster In Annenberg Is Pretty Far Away From The Bread
No joke, it’s at least 15 steps away. Fascism.

Library Book Checks
After a long night of studying, nothing is worse than the Lamont library security check to see if you are stealing precious books. They sometimes even make you open up the small pockets. This process can take up to 30 seconds… UGH!

Only One Freshman Entryway Study Break Per Week
Not only is there no official nap time at Harvard, but there is also only one dorm study break per week. I guess there are also nightly “brain breaks” in the dining halls, but that’s far away and it’s cold, and doesn’t even happen on weekends!

25% Chance of Being “Quadded”
You might not be thinking about this now, but Sophomore year you are sorted in houses. Three of the twelve houses are a twelve minute walk away from the Yard! Bummer!

Winter Break Is Too Long
Five weeks?! This is an absurd amount of time to be at home resting or out traveling the world. By week four you will probably be too rested. Come on, Harvard, this is just too much time off!

Snaps In Agreement
People at Harvard will frequently snap their fingers in agreement. What is this, Legally Blonde 2? It’s a little overbearingly supportive, if you ask me.

Divestment
Harvard’s administration refuses to divest from fossil fuels. This puts the environment and the future of the planet at risk. Whoa… that got heavy fast. Actually... let’s leave that one off.