Listen Up!: Housing Day Special Edition

Welcome back to “Listen Up!” Flyby’s advice column written by two uniquely unqualified, naïve, decidedly uninteresting sophomores from various places in and around 14 Plympton Street.

By The Harvard Crimson

When Abigail K. Fiedler ’15 and Lynn Miao ’16, our wonderful Flyby Blog Editors, approached us about writing a special Housing Day-themed column, we were absolutely excited about the opportunity. After all, writing about Housing Day (or at least inserting the phrase “Housing Day” as many times as you can in an article) seems to be the perfect way to really boost your readership.

So in honor of Housing Day, we humbly present the Housing Day edition of Listen Up! in which we address all of your housing-related questions and concerns. As always, don’t forget to submit your questions here. We’re waiting (in Adams House, inarguably the best house on campus).

*Note: Just as with last week’s post, each of these questions is very real, as troubling as that may be.

Should I hook up with my roommate? My mom says no, but I'm not so sure.
First of all, we envy your ability to be that open with your mother. If either of us asked our respective moms about advice on hooking up with people, our credit cards would be revoked and we would be forced on the first flight back home.

In our opinion, a better way to phrase your question is: “should I ruin my college life forever by giving into my carnal urges?”

Based on extensive evidence from our real life experience—by which we mean the “real life experience” of binge viewing episodes of Friends and How I Met Your Mother—this proposition will just work out badly for all involved. Do you really want to be distracted by an awkward rooming situation going into finals week?

Oh sure, you say there’s a certain level of convenience that comes with this territory, but seriously? You’re so lazy that you can’t venture outside your own room to satisfy your “needs”? Please, we can’t even believe you had the willpower to click on the link and type out a coherent question.

Don’t be lazy. Listen to your mother. She’s always right.

Hey, don't qriticize Quincy House ever again. I know your Adams arrogance knows no bounds, but a little restraint would be appropriate... - A Qoncerned Qid
Oh, how Qute, you replaced all the hard “c” sounds with the letter Q.

No. Just no. We’re sorry, Pfhorseimer(sp???) House is the only House allowed to House-ify words. Pforce Pfield. Skypfall. Pfalapfel. Let’s try that with Quincy. Qomputer. Qrepes. Qitty Qat. Nope, not the same. It’s unfortunate that penguins are attempting to copy the methods of their North Pole counterparts, the polar bears. It’s just bad form.

Your question gets us a little riled up, so we’re going to end by answering another question: do we want to live in Quincy?

Nope. Not after you soured our opinion of that House. Thanks a lot.

Plus, it’s a really long walk.

Hi guys, I have a girlfriend who's a freshman. If she gets Quadded on housing day I'm going to break up with her. Can I get some good excuses to tell her? I don't want to come off as shallow.
Just a bit of a clarification before we start. If this question is serious, then break up with her now, because you’re a jerk and she deserves way better. You can start to redeem yourself by setting her up with Steven, who would never do anything like this (plus he has a rockin’ bod.)

Now if you insist on invoking your inner Voldemort, no matter what you say, you’ll come off as shallow. We absolutely do not endorse you breaking up with your girlfriend because of a simple change in location.

(Freshman girls with significant others, stay on alert. If you get Quadded and your significant other starts exercising the “summer option,” slap them once for being a jerk and slap them one more time for us. Then call Steven.)

How can I spice up my love life with the girlfriend? A dorm room can be pretty unromantic!
If your dorm room is not heating things up in the right way, we suggest taking some cues from our own roommates who have decked out our penthouse in Adams with what can only be described as a “country wedding” theme. The key to our magnificent home decor: glassware. And you know our room is nice because it’s featured in a premiere, up-and-coming, web series.

But if you don’t have time to spruce up your room, here’s our suggestion to spice up your love life.

Start the night with a nice dinner in Spice. The premier Boston-area Thai restaurant, is an absolutely delightful destination for anyone wanting to take their relationship to the next level. Spice always delivers. In fact, they deliver and cater throughout the Cambridge area.

Then go to the special space on Harvard campus where apparently everyone gets it on: the Widener stacks. We haven’t actually been there because we spend all our time answering advice questions, but what could be sexier than making love where others make tears crying over their unfinished papers.

Threesome?
“Threesome?” is not a fully-formed question. Thus, we will interpret this question liberally and assume you’re asking if platonically joining together with three people as a blocking group is a good idea.

It’s an extremely good question to ask, the idea of forming a blocking group with another person can only be raised once you have reached a stage in your relationship such that you truly feel comfortable with each other in the most intimate setting. Blocking groups with two people are the simplest. It’s clear where everyone goes and what everyone does, and nobody feels left out. Now you do get those freshmen who are willing to experiment with eight. We won’t go into the logistics of how that even works but we suppose you can work out those “kinks” later.

That’s not to say that we discourage eightsomes; Listen Up! is welcoming of all blocking lifestyles and preferences.

Just be careful that everyone will be okay with this three-person arrangement for the next three years. If the junior year housing lottery rolls around and your two blockmates want to go room off on their own, you’ll be left...shall we say, unsatisfied?

I have been lost in the bowels of Widener stacks for three days. Please send help.
While every house has its merits, at Listen Up! we generally advocate against living in Widener. It’s even worse than the Yard (though there is the benefit of more sex.)*

In all seriousness, freshmen, don’t worry about which House will knock on your door on Thursday. You’ll love it wherever you get placed. Will you be “Happy” in Cabot? Yes. Will you want to live in Quincy? Absolutely. Can living in the House of Eliot be as awesome as an episode of Netflix’s “House of Cards”? Probably not, but it’ll come very close. And while we’re still not quite sure what the moose says, you’ll have the time of your life living in Dunster (or, alternatively, spread across various locations in Harvard Square). So be safe tomorrow, rest up, and get ready to experience one of the most exciting mornings in your Harvard career on Thursday. And if you are lucky enough to get Adams, we look forward to congratulating you in person.

Hoping this will be the post that beats Fifteen Hottest Freshmen in readership,
Steven and Dev
Adams House 4 Life

*Note: When we took over this blog from its previous authors, we were frequently asked one question: will you write about sex in the stacks just like Julia and Sarah? Our answer has always been that we cannot be expected to match their level of discussion about this particular Harvard phenomenon. Certainly we expected some mentions of sex in the Widener stacks, but only some. Hopefully this post fulfills that requirement.