Going for the Friend Zone

Welcome to "Listen Up!," Flyby's weekly advice column, written by two jobless, washed-up seniors from their futon in Winthrop.

We rounded up some of your most poignant questions from last week and responded with our unfailing wisdom.

Q: I feel like I have difficulty making guy friends. Don't get me wrong. I love my girl friends. They're amazing. But I enjoy having the male perspective on conversations (not to mention having someone to take to events without the pressure). Any recommendations on good places and ways to make some new guy friends?

A: Wait. So let us get this straight. You want to be in the friend zone? Fascinating. In our experience, the easiest way to make male friends is to tell a guy you've developed romantic feelings for him. It's a sure-fire way to becoming "just friends."

But if romantic humiliation isn't what you’re after, we recommend using your extracurriculars to boost your resume and your social life. Think about joining a club with a more masculine vibe. Or take advantage of living in co-ed dorms and try attending entryway study breaks, joining your HoCo, and playing IM sports. If all else fails, pretend you're super into video games.

N.B. If you are having a hard time making guy friends because you're hot and all the guys you meet fall in love with you, we don't have any advice for you. This is not a problem. Congrats on your awesome life.

Q: It's my senior spring and I am suffering from serious FOMO. It's my last chance to be in college and I'm constantly running around trying to make sure I don't miss out on anything—senior bar, Ghungroo senior dance, spending time with all of my friends, etc. I know I need to chill out, but what if I end up missing out on something awesome?

A: First of all, you’re a senior. It's time to stop using Twitter acronyms. You think that's going to fly at the investment bank you're starting at in four months? No, no it is not. Secondly, calm down. Senior bar can be fun, but let's be real, making small talk with that kid who lived in your freshman year entryway isn't fun. Pace yourself. Remember, at the end of this semester there is an entire week dedicated to being with other seniors, and we suspect it will be about four days longer than it needs to be. You have plenty of time.

Q: I'm beginning to realize that I'm likely never to find love in my life. Do you know of any good bargains on cats, particularly in bulk?

Sincerely,

Foreverwithcats'15

A: Don't give up, Foreverwithcats'15. You are beautiful and you will find love. We believe in you. We accept the love we think we deserve. Open your heart to love. Love is around you every day in every—

Oh screw it. Cats are essentially just like husbands: totally unaware of your presence unless you are holding food, rarely happy to see you, and unamused by little signs of affection. Instead of a cat, get a pool boy. They're more fun to look at.

Q: How do both of you juggle being such awesome human beings while also maintaining your academic genius and a vibrant social schedule?

A: Let us answer your question with a question: it's crazy, right?

Have issues? We can help!

Maybe.

Anonymously submit your pressing life questions here!

Love and Life Lessons,

Sarah and Julia