Trend Alert: No Alcohol for Lent

The next big thing on campus: giving up alcohol for Lent. The season of sacrifice is upon us, and the campus Christians are all deciding what to avoid for 40 days. Candy, soda, and swearing are the easy choices reserved for children; the big kids need more of a challenge. Alcohol is the staple of college life, so giving it up is a logical choice.

Ayn Rand once said there is no such thing as a selfless act, and it turns out that this phenomenon is no exception. My own highly scientific, super official survey showed that a number of people abstaining from liquor were doing it to cut calories and get in shape for spring. Move over Beyoncé, Jesus has the newest diet trend to sweep the campus.

This means two things. 1) The next few weekends won’t be very fun for those of you who rely on alcohol to spit game for you. 2) Easter Sunday is going to be the craziest night since New Year’s Eve, since a good chunk of campus will suddenly have a much lower tolerance.

So even if you’re not giving up anything for Lent, if you can survive for 40 days, you’ll be rewarded with hotter and, uh, friendlier potential dates.