ROVING REPORTER: Prowling for the Next Rowling

Tariq N. Ali ’09

RR: Who would you want to be your class’s Commencement speaker?

TA: Who I want as Commencement speaker? Oh God…

RR: Come on, you can think of someone.

TA: Well, I wouldn’t mind Conan O’Brien to come back again, I’d be okay with that. No, actually, I would love to have Stephen Colbert as my first choice.

RR: Can you think of anyone who would be even more hilarious than Colbert?

TA: I would love to have George Bush. George Bush is my #1.

RR: Okay, gimme reasons.

TA: Well, he’d be cheaper to get. It’s not like he’s Bill Clinton or Obama. Plus, I would love to learn how to deal with failure.


Elissa Leechawengwongs ’09
(with Stanley S. Chiang ’09)

RR: Who would you want to be your class’s Commencement speaker?

EL: Barack Obama. Yeah. The year that Harvard takes back the White House from the Yalies.

RR: Who else?

EL: Greenspan, Bernanke. I’m just really glad we didn’t get J.K. Rowling. Oh, and I wouldn’t mind having Bill Clinton and Hillary and Bill Gates–the power triple.

RR: What kind of speaker would make the most laughs?

EL: Sarah Palin. And Tina Fey.

RR: Together?

EL: Yeah. I would so not fall asleep. All she would have to do is get up and say, “Can you see Russia from here?” Oh, and Russell Peters is really funny, though he’s kind of racist.

SC: But the guy who played Borat [Sasha Cohen] already came to Harvard for Class Day. And Russell Peters would be a toned-down version of him.



Zeba A. Syed ’09

RR: Who would you want to be your class’s Commencement speaker?

ZS: I know the very common answer you’re getting from everyone is Barack Obama.

RR: Right, but why Obama?

ZS: Since we had someone in the humanities/arts field last year–J.K. Rowling–it’d be good to have a governmental or political figure this time. Plus, I voted for Obama on the senior poll that was asking us our recommendations for Commencement Day speaker.

RR: Who else can you think of?

ZS: Anyone from Bollywood would be hilarious. Or Larry Summers, that would be funny. And what about Muntadhar al-Zaidi, the journalist with a penchant for hitting outgoing presidents with his shoe! He can talk about which brand is most aerodynamic! And one last thing—who’s that swimmer guy again? What’s his name?

RR: Michael Phelps?

ZS: Yeah, I’d love Phelps.

RR: Why? What would you learn from him?

ZS: How to make the most of every hundredth of a second of your college years.

RR: But by Commencement time, you seniors will be done with college.

RR: Okay, fine. Then our youth. Or rather, our pre-senior citizenship.



Jarret A. Zafran ’09

RR: Who would you want to be your class’s Commencement speaker?

JZ: Warren Buffett. No, the economy’s in a tailspin. Barack Obama. No, Malcom Glenn [President of The Harvard Crimson]. I’ll say he’s the love of my life. I think that Glenn’s a lot wiser than Buffett and a lot more charismatic than Obama.

RR: Is Glenn paying you to say that?

JZ: No, of course not.

RR: Well, who else if Harvard wasn’t able to get Glenn?

JZ: Ann Coulter, because she would spew hot acid at the audience. And Sarah Palin would be really fun. And Benjamin Disraeli, even though he’s already dead.

RR: Anyone who would put you to sleep?

JZ: Stephanie Myers. No, Judy Bloom. She’d read a selection from Superfudge. No, actually I take that back.

RR: Then who would be bad?

JZ: Dick Cheney. That would be fun—in a scary creepy sort of way.