Forecast: Yardfest 2013

As news pours in from around the country about other colleges' spring shows, Harvard awaits the announcement of Yardfest 2013's lineup with bated breath. Will it be Panic! at the Disco (because so many of us apparently want to believe that)? Macklemore, because he, like many of us, only has $20.00 in his pocket? In the meantime, a list of our most likely candidates:

The screaming goat

The most inclusive show possible is the one in which no one is required to know lyrics, rhythm, or pitch in order to sing along. Widely acknowledged as one of the most disorienting and mesmerizing phenomena of the year so far, the screaming goat has quickly replaced Taylor Swift as the near-perfect impersonator of the human voice.

Mumford & Sons, minus Mumford & Sons

Their 2012 album "Babel" immediately divided the world into two opposing parties—those who cared enough to get into cyber fights about it and those who did not. The College Events Board may attempt to please both factions (and cut costs) by booking only one part of the band—the banjos, arranged artfully on stage, perhaps gently plucked on occasion by a fresh spring breeze blowing through the silent Yard.

Gotye

In the tradition of booking one-hit wonders who sound vaguely familiar to most people but are noteworthy only for their mediocrity, Gotye is a likely candidate for Yardfest 2013. He would probably have to agree to sing "Somebody That I Used To Know" on loop for the entire set; otherwise, no one would have any idea who the naked guy in paint is.

Das Racist

But only the one guy who told us we were "drunk, overprivileged shits." The majority of the external world has an obligation to constantly remind us that we're all very rich, very snobby, very discriminatory, and probably wear nothing but those weird pink shorts and boat shoes during the summer. It's been rumored that that one member is actually lobbying to return for Yardfest 2013—probably so he can use our gold bathtubs, jewel-encrusted silverware, and down mattresses again.

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