Televisionary: Why the Emmys Hate Me (And Probably You Too)

Welcome to The Arts Blog's new weekly column "Televisionary" by Joey R. Longstreet, where he discusses television events with his own unique perspective.

I was not one of the roughly 17.6 million people who watched The 65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards the evening of September 22. After coming home late at night, I logged onto Tivli and devoured the penultimate episode of “Breaking Bad” (which was not as amazing as the episode before it, but then again no TV episode ever will be). As soon as I was done, I took a quick glance at the Emmy results. I fully intended to watch the ceremony, but I never got around to it, folks. And it’s a good thing I didn't because the Emmy results this year were puzzling to say the least and earth-shatteringly terrible to say the most. I’m one of the rare breed who puts far too much stock in these award shows and so, after last month's ceremony, I’ve concluded that the Emmys hate me. And here’s why:

-The nominations themselves were already horrendous. Barely any “Parks & Recreation” love, far too much “Big Bang Theory”, and the “Wicked” of TV shows, “Modern Family,” getting too many (to clarify: an item of pop culture that is inexplicably loved despite being horrible). Things were far better in Dramaland, though the continual inclusion of “Downton Abbey” confounds me.

-Did anyone else feel like NPH was phoning it in a bit this time around? I think he’s even sick of him hosting award shows at this point. #tinaandamy2014emmys

-Right off the bat, my hopes and dreams for the future were destroyed when Jane Krakowski—my inspiration, my spirit animal, my chief creative inspiration–was robbed of the E of her EGOT by none other than Merrit Weaver of “Nurse Jackie.” Nurse Jackie. You’re probably wondering, “What is 'Nurse Jackie?'” So is America. I was also quite put off by her speech, as I can only imagine Jane would’ve given a ravishing performance of “As If We’ve Never Said Goodbye” from Sunset Boulevard as her speech and then won an Emmy next year! Although at least Julie Bowen and her arms didn’t win again.

-I have very mixed feelings in the Lead Actress Comedy category. On the one hand, Julia Louis-Dreyfus makes my cynical dreams come true in "Veep," whilst Tina is forever the love of my life as Liz Lemon and Amy is perfection as Leslie Knope.

-Jim Parsons winning Best Leading Actor in a Comedy. Jim Parsons?! Is this real life?! His show has a laugh track. Unforgivable. That was Louis C.K.’s Emmy.

-Lead Actor in a Drama. Jeff Daniels, where did you even come from? I sincerely thought this was Jon Hamm’s year—his work on the fifth season of "Mad Men" was stellar (remember the look between him and Sally at the end?! Now I’m crying again) and, in my opinion, was more deserving than Cranston’s work in the first half of Season 5. Also, Cranston’s already won before. Daniels, while being a bright spot on an atrocious television show (sorry to break it to you, but “The Newsroom” is awful) didn’t deserve that Emmy and I think his speech reflected that even he knew that. No matter, BCranst will take it next year and then it’ll finally be Hamm’s time.

-I don’t want to go on a rant about “Modern Family,” but I will. It’s an awful television show and shouldn’t even be nominated for Emmys, let alone win them. The show, passable in its first season, has seen a severe decline in quality, something that everyone but the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences has realized. My guess is that it’s right in the sweet spot of being edgier than "The Big Bang Theory" (snooze) but being not nearly as edgy (or funny, or good, or groundbreaking) as "30 Rock," "Veep," "Louie," or "Girls" (or "Parks & Rec!") It’s a safe choice and so it wins. Tina knows in her heart that "30 Rock" should’ve won. That’s all that matters.

-I forgot—no “Smash” nominations?! R.I.P. Ivy Lynn, you’ll always be my star.

-There were only three Emmy wins that I 100% agreed with this year. The first is “Veeps”’s Tony Hale’s win for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy. He’s hysterical and now he can say “These are my awards, mother. From Emmy." The second is Anna Gunn’s for “Breaking Bad.” She is so underappreciated and really holds her own in a complex and unforgiving role. The third is “Breaking Bad” winning Outstanding Drama. It’s about time.

Of course, it goes without saying that this won’t deter me from watching next time. See you at the Oscars.