Football to Take Columbia Seriously in Road Bout

This article marks the end of an era. Today, for the first time since the Big Bang, we have to take Columbia seriously.

Despite a loss to Yale last weekend, the Lions sit at 6-1. If Columbia wins three more games, the long-time losers will win the Ivy League championship.

I can’t believe I’m writing these words. Honestly. Four years ago, I would’ve bet on Vince Wilfork to win an Olympic gold in sprinting before the Lions won a title. I would’ve bet on George Washington to rise from the dead and appear at the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. I would’ve bet on the Harvard Management Company to turn a profit.

Columbia’s sudden ascent has left me desperate. I’m gasping for breath like a Yale student escaping a pack of rodents. I’m frozen in confusion like a Yale student facing a multiplication table. To prevent total psychic collapse, let’s survey previous coverage of Lions football:

Article on Nov. 10, 2011, by E. Benjamin Samuels: “Let me give you a list of bowls that mean more than the Empire State Bowl [between Columbia and Cornell]. The Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas. A bowl of chicken gumbo. Lawn bowling.”

Article on Nov. 2, 2012, by Scott A. Sherman: “To call Columbia a doormat would be an insult to front porches. To call it a bottom-dweller would be disrespectful to deep-sea fishermen everywhere.”

Article on Nov. 9, 2012, also by Scott A. Sherman: “The Quakers needed a last-minute drive to squeak by Columbia, which is kind of like needing a harness to successfully climb up that hill where the Teletubbies live.”

Pour one out for those golden days.

BROWN AT YALE

Some call New Haven, Conn., the “Cultural Capital of Connecticut.” That’s akin to calling Subway the “Culinary Capital of Airports.”

Granted, New Haven has a long history. Disaster struck in 1646 when New Haven merchants sent off a huge shipment of local goods that never reached their destination. Hence the origin of the phrase: “Nothing good comes out of New Haven.”

The 2017 Yale team is reversing history. The Bulldogs dominate opponents at the line of scrimmage, holding opponents to six sacks while racking up 31. The team logs 6.2 yards per rush and limits opponents to 2.4.

The Bears, meanwhile, struggle at every level. Brown owns the worst scoring defense (30 points per game) and worst scoring offense (15.3 points per game) in the Ivy League. The Bears also average the most penalty yardage (75 yards a game). Even kicker Ben Rosenblatt has faltered. The senior has hit one of four field goals in 2017. His season long is 19 yards.

Brown’s offense will advance approximately that far on Saturday.

PICK: Yale 36, Brown 6.

CORNELL AT DARTMOUTH

You’ve probably heard the story already. Midway through last weekend’s Harvard-Dartmouth game, the Crimson forced a fumble. Hundreds of feet away, in the press box at the top of the stadium, a Big Green coach shouted an obscenity and punched a hole in a glass window.

What was the grand strategy here? Was it a one-punch knockout, or did the coach try a few body shots before going for the finish? Why didn’t Dartmouth start this guy at linebacker? Let’s discard the obvious questions and focus on important ones. For example: What will happen next?

Fortunately, this weekend’s contest takes place in Hanover, where there’s nothing valuable to break. Still, Dartmouth will have a chance to shatter some proverbial windows when the team takes on Cornell.

Technically, the Big Red owns a 3-1 Ivy record and a clear path to the championship. I call malarkey. I have absolutely no clue how Cornell beat Princeton last week. What I do know is that Cornell won’t win this weekend. A blind squirrel finds an acorn every now and then—but not that often.

PICK: Dartmouth 33, Cornell 20

PRINCETON AT PENN

This semester, the most well-known class at Penn is called “Existential Despair.” I’m not kidding.

Last week, The Daily Pennsylvanian profiled the course, which meets on Tuesdays from 5 p.m. to midnight. As the article describes, “students cannot speak with one another, take notes, or access outside resources including cell phones or computers.” What a riot.

“Existential Despair” isn’t the most notable course that Professor Justin McDaniel has taught. That honor belongs to the so-called “monk class” last spring. In some ways, that course mirrored others at Penn—there were no exams or readings. Yet the monk class stood out for the unusual requirements. Men had to wear all white, while women had to wear all black. No one could eat when it was dark outside. If you broke a rule, you faced numerous punishments, including “repeatedly walking the crosswalks of the intersection at 34th and Walnut.”

Why mention this oddity in an article about football? Because I’m convinced that wide receiver Justin Watson took the class. If you’ve read my previous columns, you know all about Watson, who can memorize a dictionary with one glance and calm the ocean with the snap of his finger. Well, this Saturday, the football demigod faces a Herculean task.

Princeton quarterback Chad Kanoff has completed 75 percent of his passes for 19 touchdowns. The Quakers, meanwhile, concede 409 yards per game, second-worst in the Ivy League.

My gut tells me to pick the Tigers, but my mind tells me to pick Watson, because otherwise he’ll summon a plague of locusts. I guess I can buy bug spray.

PICK: Princeton 38, Penn 25

HARVARD AT COLUMBIA

Here we are again—back to Columbia football.

On Oct. 24, The New York Times published an article called “Columbia Football Keeps Winning. Some Fans Aren’t Happy About It.” That piece revealed several gems about the Lions football program. In 2011, for instance, the university temporarily outlawed the band because the musicians had edited the fight song. They’d changed the lyrics to “We always lose lose lose / By a lot and sometimes by a little.”

These days, the Lions are winning, albeit by a little. Columbia has a physical defensive line and shutdown defensive backs. Quarterback Anders Hill is flirting with 2,000 passing yards. The Lions have topped Princeton and Yale, the most dangerous offenses in the Ancient Eight. Columbia should win the Ivy League this year.

Still, I expect a Harvard win on Saturday.

The program is banged-up, exhausted, and flawed. But the 2017 Crimson has a special ingredient—that mysterious trait that allows championship teams to convert fourth downs and force late fumbles.

Before the Dartmouth game, Harvard coach Tim Murphy called the Big Green “a team of destiny.” Before the Columbia game, he called the Lions “true believers.”

It’s taken me seven games to reach this point, but I’ve made up my mind. In 2017, Harvard is a team of destiny. Crimson players are true believers. No one overcomes this much adversity to end in disappointment.

On Saturday, Harvard will beat Columbia in dramatic fashion, probably on a scoring drive in the final four minutes. If the Crimson downs Penn—which, in my mind, is the more uncertain task—then Harvard will win the league title. You can quote me on that.

PICK: Harvard 17, Columbia 16.

—Staff writer Sam Danello can be reached at sam.danello@thecrimson.com