AROUND THE IVIES: A League of its Own

There’s something special about fall. Millions of kids across the country begin school, young adults leave their families for the first time to go off to college, the leaves start to turn, and—perhaps most importantly—it’s football season.

Tell me, what’s better than a little Ivy League action this Saturday? I mean, excluding the big SEC matchup of Ole Miss and Georgia. Or Wisconsin-Michigan State. Or Alabama-Kent State. Or staring at a blank wall.

Seriously, Ivy League football is boring. Take it from the guy who has to watch all 10 Harvard football games, most of which take place during actually good college football games—like the kind that people pay money to watch on TV. Not that I’m bitter.

Here’s a thought experiment: Remember what it was like to take the SAT? You spend hours staring at this blank sheet of paper, realizing you forgot to learn trig. So you decide to sit back and stare at the clock ticking. The only respite are the snack breaks. That’s what watching Ivy League football is like.

Ivy League football is kind of like the previews at movies. Actually, check that—Ivy League football is like the part before the previews where everyone is talking instead of watching the ads.

Speaking of movies, have you ever been to one by yourself? I’d never tried it until this summer, but WOW. Really good stuff. Yeah, it feels a little weird at first. But once you get in the theater and turn off your phone, it’s like you’re in another world. When you go with people, you’re always wondering what they’re thinking. God forbid you’re on a date. Then you spend the first hour trying to figure out some move you can use to put your arm around your date. And the last hour you end up fidgeting while your arms fall asleep. Another metaphor for Ivy League football, I guess.

Man, I haven’t been on a date in a while. Something about college and work and all that. Or maybe it’s the fact that all my Saturdays are spent traveling the Northeast to watch football (shoutout to my editors). Really, who knows?

But I digress. Ivy League football is back! Let’s get excited! After a shocking opening weekend in which Harvard won and Columbia lost, we finally get some league action. So sit back, crack a beer, and get ready for some sub-par college football.

HARVARD AT BROWN

So maybe I was a little harsh. Harvard football is exciting. Yeah, all my friends will be in the stands at Bryant-Denny Stadium watching the top-ranked team in the nation battle Kent State (bold prediction: Alabama wins), but like, this is cool too.

The Crimson is coming off its third straight Ivy League title, and now the team finally returns to conference action against the Bears. Harvard has a shiny, brand-new quarterback named Joe Viviano. He’s 6’5”, fast, and reminds people of Johnny Football. (If you want to learn more, see my last article. It’s a pretty fun read. I make some really interesting comparisons, and frankly it’s just really well composed. God, I’m a gifted writer.)

There’s more, too. For the past two seasons, the Crimson has had a defense that has shut out more people than male single-sex social organizations. It’s almost like watching the Steelers in the 70s. Except, again, it’s not. But close enough.

Brown is decent this year. Quarterback Kyle Moreno put up some big numbers in 2015 when Harvard beat up the Bears. The offensive line is full of large men, meaning large enough to outweigh two Gant Players.

Anyway, the Crimson has beaten Brown for the last five seasons. None of those contests was decided by a single possession. That’ll happen again this year.

Prediction: Harvard 42 - Brown 17

YALE AT CORNELL

This game. What a matchup! As per usual, Yale finished behind the Crimson last season. I wonder what that’s like, always coming in second. At some point I should talk to my older sister about that. Yikes.

And Cornell! What a season last year! After losing their first eight games, they didn’t let it get to them! They came out strong against Ivy League powerhouse Columbia and put on a show! That 3-0 win was riveting.

Prediction: Yale 24 - Cornell 7

PRINCETON AT LEHIGH

Mediocrity. That’s what defines this year’s Princeton squad. Ranked in the middle of the pack in the Ivy League after a [insert adjective here] 2015 campaign. But it is 1-0 after eking out a victory against a Lafayette team it demolished last year. So while Tiger fans should be able to rest easy knowing their team beat Lehigh 52-26 last season, think again! Also, Lehigh beat Penn last week, and those Quakers are supposed to be the Crimson’s biggest challenge this season.

Prediction: Lehigh 35 - Princeton 24

PENN AT FORDHAM

So this game is actually interesting for Harvard fans. Not that it matters. Non-conference games are pretty dumb. But Penn lost last week to Lehigh, so the Crimson’s biggest opponent this season might end up being themselves. We’ll see if Penn can beat Fordham. The Quakers are supposed to be pretty good, but what does that mean anyway?

Prediction: Penn 31 - Fordham 16

DARTMOUTH AT HOLY CROSS

Picture this: a team is down two touchdowns in the fourth quarter. After a miraculous series of drives, the team pulls out a one-point victory. One of those teams is Dartmouth.

Sounds kind of like the 2015 Harvard-Dartmouth contest, right? But that was actually the Big Green’s game last week in which they barely beat New Hampshire. Pretty interesting circle there, I guess. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to write about anymore. I really hate thinking about the Ivy League.

Prediction: Dartmouth 30 - Holy Cross 14

COLUMBIA AT GEORGETOWN

Columbia is bad. Like, my grandmother’s desserts bad. For reference, my grandma likes to throw together basically anything she finds in her house and call it a dessert (lemon drywall was a family favorite).

Luckily for the Lions, Georgetown is also bad. Last season, the Hoyas took down mighty Columbia in a thrilling 24-16 win, but don’t sleep on the Lions this year. According to a preseason media pool, the team ranks at a whopping seventh among the Ancient Eight! I guess the only place you can go is up when you’re at the bottom.

Prediction: Columbia 16 - Georgetown 14

—Staff writer W. Gant Player can be reached at wadeplayer@college.harvard.edu.