AROUND THE IVIES: Football Looks To Continue Rolling in Ancient Eight Play

Ladies and gentleman, we live in a new era of Ivy League football.

When we last took stock of the Ancient Eight, a green-and-crimson striped question mark inhabited first place.

But Harvard and Dartmouth settled their differences this past Saturday in a mind-bending, take-the-red-pill, there-is-no-spoon, is-he-actually-dreaming 14-13 win for the Crimson. Now the Big Green has fallen to second, giving needed definition to the title race.

To all those with high-blood pressure: relax. Somehow, despite persistent warnings from Harvard coach Tim Murphy that the preseason is over, that it was over several weeks ago, and that it was never coming back, preseason action returns this week as the Crimson plays Columbia, and the Big Green plays Cornell.

Competition lurks in netherworld matchups involving teams other than Harvard and Dartmouth, but these games involve teams other than Harvard and Dartmouth.

In short, it’s a vacation weekend. Find a seat, crack a beer, and watch responsibily.

HARVARD AT COLUMBIA

For years and years, the annual Harvard-Columbia matchup has been the equivalent of a Lil B music video: unwatchable, incomprehensible, and more than a little perverse.

This year is different. For starters the Lions have actually won—not just once but twice! Even the team’s most recent loss, a 13-9 squeaker to Dartmouth, indicated real progress.

Let’s all take a moment, then, to appreciate the charity work of Lions coach Al Bagnoli. Bless the man’s heart. I don’t know what it takes to get canonized in 2015, but coming out of retirement to coach Columbia ranks right up there.

However, neither divine intervention nor the decision to start kicker Kenny Smart at linebacker can knock Harvard from its post as overwhelming favorite. Heck, if the Crimson was only allowed to score off blocked punts, I’d still choose the team as 7-0 winner. (This is an official prediction, by the way: Harvard will score a special-teams touchdown.)

As loath as I am to trust conventional wisdom, the truth is that the mob is often right. Just ask Lions quarterback Skyler Mornhinweg, who promises to spend his Saturday dodging groups of Crimson jerseys.

Final verdict? Not quite a Lil B video, but not far off.

Prediction: Harvard 31, Columbia 7

CORNELL AT DARTMOUTH

Check your AP U.S. History book, kids—there’s a reason that people call western New York the Burned-Over District.

Throughout the 1800s, dozens of religious revivals tore through the countryside, enflaming small towns and large farms. It was like the Fast and the Furious franchise except neither cars nor Dwayne Johnson existed.

Well sinners and Cornell fans beware! This Saturday the Third Great Awakening is upon us.

Instead of the lonely wilderness of western New York, this one will take root in the lonely wilderness of western New Hampshire, where Dartmouth looks to inflict its holy wrath upon the Big Red.

Nay, not even star running back Luke Hagy can save Cornell. On Saturday the Big Green will roll through the field like thunder, charged with vengeance after last weekend’s loss to Harvard.

No third-string linebacker will be spared! Surely the very few Big Red spectators will wail and gnash their teeth as quarterback Dalyn Williams fires righteous passes into the end zone.

Yes, the day of justice is near, and the Big Red rightfully cowers in its presence.

Then again it’s tough to say what’s worse, eternal damnation or a bus ride back to Ithaca.

Prediction: Dartmouth 45, Cornell 3

PRINCETON AT PENN

The Killer P’s! At noon! With third place on the line!

The headlines practically write themselves, but in case you need further convincing, consider this scheduling fact: on the second-to-last weekend, the Quakers play the Crimson, and the Tigers play the Big Green.

Either of these games could go down to the wire, which means that this year’s Princeton-Penn matchup is—drumroll please—a competition between semi-relevant teams who could become more relevant by beating the real contenders.

To be fair, I’m selling the Quakers short. Penn quarterback Alek Torgersen has lived up to his Nordic heritage, marauding through conference play for 10 touchdowns and no interceptions. Meanwhile the Tigers have conceded 38-plus points in three of their last four games.

Helmets off to the Viking and his crew—the Quakers will get the win.

Prediction: Penn 28, Princeton 24

BROWN AT YALE

Heat waves bring increased crime.

That’s the hidden explanation behind why ice cream trucks correlate with violent crime, and it’s also a fact. As much as you despise the winter, you can take solace in the fact that you’re statistically less likely to get mugged as the temperature cools off.

On an unrelated note, Yale has scheduled most of its home games for the second half of the season, with three of its last four contests coming in New Haven.

While I’m on the topic of petty theft, I might as well make my prediction: Brown will steal this game, and the result won’t matter.

With conference records of 2-2 and 1-3 respectively, the Bears and the Bulldogs don’t have much to fight for beyond the title of second-ugliest New England city with a population under 200,000.

But fight they will, and Brown’s senior quarterback Marcus Fuller promises to cause game-long trouble for Yale’s young defense.