AROUND THE IVIES: Surprising Collapse Opens Up Ivy Football Title Race

Let’s pretend that last Saturday afternoon at around 3:30 pm, I was hanging out with That’s So Raven, who told me that one of the following two situations was going to occur.

A) Drew Faust announces she is resigning her presidency, and after leaving their respective spouses, she and Larry Summers elope in Swaziland, where they plan to spend the rest of their lives living among native tribes. The happy couple are taking their wedding vows when all of a sudden the Winkelvoss twins appear and declare that Summers had stolen what was originally their idea to elope in Swaziland with Faust.

Meanwhile, back in the United States, Jeremy Lin runs into Justin Timberlake and has the following conversation.

Jeremy: Hey Justin, congrats on your marriage.

Justin: Thanks man, congrats on the new contract.

Jeremy: Thanks, luckily there are no strings attached.

Justin: An N’Sync joke? Really? The ’90s called, and they want their references back.

Jeremy: Whatever, cry me a river, man.

Justin: Who are you to trash my career? If it wasn’t for Toney Douglas’ unbelievable awfulness and Mike Bibby’s tragic death, nobody would even know who you are right now.

Jeremy: Well, that’s not what the Rockets think. I just signed a $28 million contract.

Justin [laughing]: 28 million. That’s cute. I’m pretty sure that’s what I tipped my waitress last night. Newsflash, Jeremy, $28 million isn’t cool. You know what’s cool?

Jeremy: A billion dollars?

Justin: Nah, man. Power. Power is cool. I’m out.

Jeremy: Bye, bye, bye.

Justin’s parting words—“Power. Power is cool”—stick in Jeremy’s head, leading him to make a snap decision. He ignores his current plans—which were only cooking dinner for Chandler Parsons, anyway—and instead retires from the NBA, gets on the next plane to Boston, and replaces Faust as president of Harvard.

Back at the wedding, Abe Liu suddenly appears and says he had secretly been there the whole time, disguised as the flower girl. He explains he’s now vice president of Wonderful Pistachios and was at the wedding representing the company’s new president, Adam Wheeler, who had worked his way up by claiming he owned the world record for shell cracking.

Liu begs the Winklevii twins to come home, saying their ads are an essential part of the company’s business. Wheeler, Liu explains, has an idea for a website called ConnutU, the world’s first social network for nuts. They only need a $100 million investment from the twins to start things up. Of course, the Winklevii readily agree and return to the United States only to discover that Wheeler and Liu have defrauded them of all their money.

Finding there to be no wealth in professional rowing, the twins live out the rest of their lives in poverty, future subjects of the documentary “The Social Nutwork.” Faust and Summers live happily ever after in Swaziland.

B) Princeton beats Harvard in Saturday’s football game.

When Raven asked which situation I predicted would occur at 3:30 pm Saturday—when the Crimson led Princeton 34-10 with 13 minutes to go—you know what I would have said? I would have said B. Because everyone knows that a documentary about a pair of nut con-men would obviously be called “Cashew Me If You Can.”

But nonetheless, what took place in Princeton on Saturday was absolutely shocking. Harvard was completely dominating the Tigers when things escalated quickly, Brick killed a guy, and yadda yadda yadda, Harvard lost.

For the Crimson, it was a collapse faster than that of The Wire’s Barksdale empire, an ending more shocking than that of the Sopranos, a world more fantasy-like than that of Game of Thrones. For the Tigers, it was a feat more impressive than my referencing three HBO dramas in a one-sentence analogy.

Forget the perfect season that had looked increasingly likely every day. Forget being one of the best Ivy football teams of all time. Forget the 14 straight wins, the longest streak in Division I. Forget the program points record and the top-ten FCS ranking.

All of that was over. The fat lady had sang, the Giants had won the pennant, and Al Michaels was believing in miracles once more.

A team that had been the epitome of dominance for 399 days and 15 hours is now staring a stunning reality in the face—it might not even win the Ivy League title.

YALE AT COLUMBIA

Princeton’s victory wasn’t the only shocker of the weekend, as Yale upset Penn, 27-13, despite having to feature the double first name buddies–Logan Scott and Derek Russell—who came into the preseason as its third- and fourth-string quarterbacks, respectively.

This week, Yale gets to play Columbia, coming off an upset of its own against Dartmouth.

Only kidding, of course—the Lions didn’t win. They’re about as bad at football as Republican Senate candidates are at talking about the female reproductive system. But Yale is really not much better, and somebody has to take this one, so I’ll go with the home team.

Pick: Columbia 21, Yale 17

PRINCETON AT CORNELL

If the Tigers can win this, they face Penn, Yale, and Dartmouth the next three weeks, meaning they’ll likely cruise to a championship.

But traveling to Ithaca is always tough—probably has something to do with the whole “leaving modern civilization” thing—while Princeton will have to avoid a letdown after last week’s high. And if Colton Chapple can throw for 448 yards against the Tigers’ secondary, Jeff Mathews can throw for 600.

On the whole, the outcome will depend on which of Princeton’s two offenses last week shows up—the one from first half that couldn’t break into Crimson territory or the fourth quarter one that was more unstoppable than China’s GDP growth.

I think the former is far closer to reality than the latter.

Pick: Cornell 35, Princeton 28

BROWN AT PENN

I should have seen it coming when it barely squeaked by Dartmouth and Columbia, but I never thought it would get this bad. Seriously, what happened to Penn football?

A perennial title contender and preseason poll runner-up, the Quakers are now 2-4 after losing to the double first name buddies. Senior quarterback Billy Ragone, a 2010 first team All-Ivy star, has regressed faster than LeBron’s hairline and now features a 1:1 TD:INT ratio. On the other side of the ball, a once vaunted defense is now tied for second-worst in the league.

It’s weird, but Penn football is no longer a threat, and Brown should take this one with ease.

Pick: Brown 31, Penn 14

HARVARD AT DARTMOUTH

Remember that scene in I Love You Man where Jason Segel gets drilled with a golfball and yells “This is my nightmare!”?

Well, that’s what Tim Murphy was doing on Saturday while watching his team fall apart faster than Eddie Murphy’s career.

After last week’s debacle, the Crimson is going to be playing angry on Saturday, which means bad news for Dartmouth (quick, someone call Rolling Stone Magazine!).

Bill Simmons likes to talk about “Eff You” performances, in which an elite player or team—often coming off a bad loss in which people question how good said player or team really is—will come out and dominate to show people they shouldn’t be written off just yet. Recent examples include President Obama’s second debate, Peyton Manning’s 2012 season, and Eminem’s “Recovery” album.

That’s the type of performance I’m expecting out of Harvard football tomorrow.

Pick: Harvard 49, Dartmouth 10

—Staff writer Scott A. Sherman can be reached at ssherman13@college.harvard.edu.