A-Minus the Effort

Attention! If you or a loved one have received a B-plus on your transcript, you may be entitled to financial compensation.

We, the Concerned Harvard Undergraduates Trying Zealously to Prevent Academic Harm, have filed a class-action lawsuit against Harvard University for wrongful discrimination in violation of Title VI of the Civil Rights Act and Harvard’s own code of conduct. We at CHUTZPAH believe that B-pluses are equivalent to malicious and premeditated attacks on the scholastically inferior.

A B-plus, for those unfamiliar (humanities students), is a rare malady that persists in a few dark corners of our hallowed institution. If you have recently been exposed to a course in a subject at which you do not excel, a professor who actually cares about your education, or a TF seeking revenge, you are at risk of having come into contact with the dreaded B-plus.

If this sounds like you, join our fight! Grades below the A range can have disastrous consequences for students, including but not limited to: severe emotional distress, 0.01 percent GPA drops, and noticeable decreases in LinkedIn connections. Thus, Harvard irreparably damages our future prospects and ought to be held accountable.

It is true that Harvard has been working to contain the B-plus epidemic. Currently, about 80 percent of grades awarded are in the A range. But we can do better. An 80 percent is like a B. (Or an A-minus, after the curve.)

We live in a world where “A” stands for “average” and “B” stands for “butthead,” and no Harvard student should be allowed to be a butthead.

“We should all be getting A’s,” said a straw man I made up for the purposes of this article.

“The more A’s we get, the easier it will be for us to become consultants. Isn’t that what Harvard is all about?” said another student invented to prove a point. “Plus, we don’t have to work as hard.”

“As a humanities student, I know I come from a place of privilege. I have never seen the letter ‘B’ before, except in ‘Susan B. Anthony,’” said a final fake person, who has certainly brought their A-game. “But I am here as an ally. No student should have to suffer the indignity of treating grades as a method of academic feedback rather than a professional commodity.”

Let’s not kid ourselves. We’re not some bastion of intellectual excellence or a hub of vibrant ideological discourse or whatever. Our school exists for one reason only: to help students get high-paying jobs with names like “monetary finance woman.” And to achieve that purpose, there’s nothing better than a transcript packed with A’s.

Gone are the days when you could buy a sandwich for a nickel and a Goldman Sachs job with a 3.7. To be successful in today’s Harvard, the real scarlet letter is anything but an A.

In response to our suit, the University has cited its dual mandate, to both reduce unemployment and keep inflation in check. “We know you want jobs but we can’t allow that to come at the cost of spiraling grade inflation,” wrote Perome Jowell, chair of the Frugal Education Department. The University claims that ballooning grades have taxed their storage capabilities and that numbers on transcripts are “getting so high they could qualify for Ozempic.”

That’s why, instead of awarding grades at all, Harvard should simply give each student a gentle kiss on the forehead. This would conserve paper and save money, which we could then use for more tasty snacks at MCS events.

So sign on to our lawsuit. CHUTZPAH will make it clear that Harvard stands for rigorous academic achievement, sterling intellectual prowess, and grit in the face of adversity — in high school. Once you get in, you’re chilling.

Yona T. Sperling-Milner is a freshman in Hurlbut Hall. Not to flex on her class-selecting abilities, but she accumulated at least enough A’s in her first semester to spell “Amanda Claybaugh” twice. Her column “A School Outside Boston” runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays.