Cash on Hand

I love the government students here. Now I’m not talking about the ones concentrating in government, because why worry about stochastic Markov chains when you can have take-home exams instead. I mean the students who live at the Institute of Politics or serve in the Undergraduate Council, the ones who are already planning their congressional campaigns around the “Scandal” schedule so as to not miss an episode. These are the folks who regularly throw around terms like political capital, mostly to make themselves feel better because they will never have the kind of actual capital that the finance kids get for their signing bonuses.

Last week, our elected UC leaders took action into their own hands and decided to request an additional $250,000 in funding with which to polish the rest of the John Harvard statue, or something like that. UC President Gus Mayopoulos ’15, usually garbed in a vaguely Napoleonic uniform he picked up for 99 cents at a thrift shop, has led the charge. A meeting between Gus, co-conspirator Sietse Goffard ’15, and University President Drew G. Faust was scheduled for last Thursday.

Now we all know times are still tight, the endowment sits at a paltry $33 billion, and everyone has had to cut back to the essentials. Luckily, the day before the meeting, Citadel founder Kenneth Griffin ’89 announced a $150 million donation to Harvard, most of which is earmarked for financial aid. Even for the future hedge fund managers among us, $150 million is enough for at least three or four private islands. The UC’s request is only one sixth of one percent of this generous sum!

And so off went the dynamic duo on Thursday morning, with a spring in their step and their hats in their hands. Before meeting with President Faust, Gus and Sietse drummed up a crowd in the Yard, passing out toilet paper and used condoms to raise student support. The meeting proved less productive than the rally, and according to Mayopoulos, President Faust told the pair that “she didn’t necessarily think that it was realistic that the UC should expect this money to fall out of the sky.” President Faust, I am told, was scientifically correct, but could have sounded more insensitive only if she had Skyped into the meeting from her private villa somewhere in the Caribbean, swimming in a pool of $100 dollar bills.

So the UC has all but given up hope on ever seeing a slice of the Griffin pot pie, which by extension means that I, too, will not enjoy the fruits of Ken Griffin’s labor. Hot breakfast would have been nice, or two-ply toilet paper, or 30 million rounds of beer at Russell House. If Mr. Griffin really wanted to make a difference, he could have donated directly to the CVS in the Square, asking the store to spend his cash on thicker plastic bags. It’s the little things.

But the recent donation was overshadowed by an even bigger sum, which exceeds even the number of juniors who just landed jobs at Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs. The groundbreaking news was the sale of the messaging app WhatsApp to Facebook for the equivalent of $19 billion. Suddenly $150 million ceases to seem like manna from heaven, and becomes little more than the dollar bill stuck to the lint in your jeans pocket after it came out of the dryer.

Instead of picking up WhatsApp, Facebook could have bought North Korea’s entire military and still have had enough leftover cash to pick up the Hubble Space Telescope. You think social media infringes on your privacy now? Just wait until Big Hubble is pointed directly at your open dorm window. Or Facebook could have given the UC its requested $250,000, and then bought the Panama Canal, twice. Maybe if Gus had worn jeans and a hoodie instead of an outfit made for Napoleon Dynamite, he could have gotten his $250,000. After all, I voted for Gus, not for Pedro. Well technically, I voted for Sam, but who’s keeping track?

Maybe Harvard is looking to buy some start-ups with its newfound discretionary cash. It could even buy a few started in dorms on campus! Or the university could use some of its money to seed a new hedge fund, managed by its recent graduates. One thing is very clear, though: The Undergraduate Council will see none of this money.

Because, hey, business is business.

Jacob R. Drucker ’15, a Crimson editorial writer, is an economics concentrator in Mather House. His column appears on alternate Fridays.