Ex Post Facto—The Weekend in Sports: 3/9/14

While you were busy power-watching housing day videos and writing strongly worded letters to your various friends in Kirkland house, here is what happened in Harvard sports this weekend.

With its 70-58 win over Yale on Friday night, the men’s basketball team secured the Ivy League championship outright and earned its third straight bid to the Dance.  Sports writers nationwide rejoiced with the win, immediately pitching Tommy Amaker features to everyone around them. “It is such a great story for a long-form feature,” they exclaim. TRUST US, WE KNOW. JUST STOP ALREADY. Besides, the original is still the best.

Speaking of top-notch basketball coaches, women’s basketball coach Kathy Delaney-Smith now owns the most wins in Ivy League basketball history, passing Princeton legendary men’s basketball coach Pete Carril with her 515th against Yale on Friday night. It remains unclear whether Delaney-Smith will be getting the Amaker treatment or not (she is certainly more than deserving), but Bartley’s Burger Cottage, known for its special burgers named after pop culture references, did have a Delaney-Smith special on Friday afternoon. While rumors abound on the Cambridge community’s desire for a “Fire Donato!” special, Bartley’s has neither confirmed nor denied that such a burger is in the works.

Harvard baseball earned its first win of the year on Friday against Lamar in Beaumont, TX before dropping its next two games against the Cardinals.  In a strange turn of events at Sunday’s postgame press conference, the Lamar coach, presumably having just power-watched the first seven episodes of True Detective in anticipation of the season finale that night, gave a monologue that can only be described as a terrifying mixture of Rust Cohle philosophical thought with incredibly clichéd coach-speak: “Today, out there on that diamond, we learned that time truly is a flat circle. No beginning, no end, just inning after inning traveling towards our inevitable meeting with the dark warmth deep inside ourselves.  But my team took it one inning at a time, played within itself, and fought against that overwhelming evil in this world.  Though the wind in the stars remains, my team showed character, and at the end of the day, it is what it is.”

Sophomore wrestler Todd Preston earned an 8-6 victory to win the EIWA Championship at 141 pounds on Saturday. The win earned Preston “Most Outstanding Wrestler” honors and secured his first trip to the NCAA Championships.  Students in attendance, many of them just now discovering the world of college athletics thanks to the success of the men’s basketball team, were heard shouting phrases such as: “We’re going dancing,” “I can’t wait to cut down these nets.” and, for those especially well-researched among them, “I really hope Preston doesn’t have to face one of Dickie V’s Diaper Dandies in the first round.”

The Harvard women’s hockey team will begin its run at a national championship in earnest on March 15th in its opening round game against Wisconsin. While many Americans may normally not have a rooting interest in who makes the Frozen Four, this year could be an exception as the tournament occurs so soon after America’s stunning collapse in the Olympic gold medal match. Boston University seems to have been singled out by American hockey fans as a team to root against. This misguided anti-Terrier patriotism stems from BU senior forward Marie-Philip Poulin’s late game heroics for team Canada in the gold medal match. When asked for a comment on the situation, a Canadian fan shook his head at such vitriol and said he simply wanted to watch some good hockey.

All scores, stats, and honors are entirely factual.  All quotes, comments, and background stories are entirely fictional and written in jest.