From Sundance: ‘If I Had Legs I’d Kick You’ Will Leave You Frenzied

What’s it like to be a mother? How about a real-life person in a dog-eat-dog world? Sincerely? “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You,” a tad more chaotic than the average film about motherhood and work-life balance, addresses these questions without sugarcoating any of the answers.

Linda (Rose Byrne) is a therapist who, in a feat of therapy-ception, goes to therapy on a daily basis to talk about her life, which is falling apart. Her terminally ill daughter (Delaney Quinn) isn’t gaining weight fast enough; her husband (Christian Slater) is away on a work trip; one of her patients (Daniel Zolghadri) inwardly loves her, and another (Danielle Macdonald) ran away and can’t be found; she can’t ever seem to find a legal parking spot; and, to top it all off, her apartment ceiling came crashing down, creating a mysterious hole that continues to grow bigger.

It all might sound random, but there’s an intricate method to director Mary Bronstein’s jumbled-up madness. Every shot, every cut, and every sound are curated to enforce a hectic craziness that never lets up. As an effective gimmick, the film never actually shows Linda’s daughter in frame; instead, Linda herself is made the focal point, repressing her anxiety about her daughter, husband, therapist, patients, irregular motel neighbors, and crumbling ceiling in close-up after intense close-up. Just when Linda’s life can’t get any worse, it does, then it does again, then again and again and again.

“If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is no doubt a taxing watch, but the experience is worth it, if only to shed a light on the absurdity of life itself. Sometimes you just have to kick back, crack a smile, and enjoy the show — a sentiment that James (A$AP Rocky), a superintendent at the motel where Linda temporarily lives, embodies to the fullest. James, along with Linda’s therapist (Conan O’Brien), provide a welcome touch of levity that doesn’t come solely at the expense of Linda; both actors are naturally hilarious, drawing on their bank of artistic experiences to create humor in as little as a glance.

Linda’s ceiling hole is another character, which elicits sympathy, laughs, and horror at every turn. When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares right back, and so does the hole in Linda’s ceiling. When she stares into it, she becomes engulfed by its magical, dream-like, iridescent qualities. Narration — usually advisory or critical — also engulfs her in these moments. “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” doesn’t merely add insult to injury, the film gashes open said injury and unloads heaps of salt into the festering wound.

But what’s the point? Is there a point? Is “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” just trying to get a rise out of its audience, generating buzz to generate buzz? “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” — a mouthful or, better yet, a typeful — has a fascinating perspective that opens itself up to a discourse about sink-or-swim situations, about confronting problems or wallowing in self-pity. You’re only dealt one hand of cards in life; you either play them to the best of your ability, or they play you.

What’s interesting is that “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” doesn’t necessarily reject the notion of leaving the card game behind altogether. Sometimes sinking, not swimming, is the solution. This dismal outlook culminates in a gripping, eye-opening film, and in no way worsens it. A film doesn’t need to be agreeable to be good, and this film certainly abides by that philosophy.

“If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” lacks an overarching, cohesive narrative, is too heavily reliant on symbolism, and has a main character that doesn’t do all that much; yet, it’s a film that has a lot to say and says it with such grandeur, flavor, and cleverness that it’s easy to overlook any one of these flaws.

A24 has done it yet again with “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You,” as the film is certain to be another of the production company’s signature indie horror hits.

—Staff writer Joseph A. Johnson can be reached at joseph.johnson@thecrimson.com. Follow him on X @onlyjoejohnson.