Studying for My Midterm in Neo-Marxist Class Warfare Propaganda

It’s 3 a.m. in Lamont Library. I’m surrounded by textbooks, up to my elbows in scrap paper, asking ChatGPT enough queries to drain the Gulf of Mexico. I’ve drunk six cans of Iced Vanilla Berry Red Bull and the last time I showered, there were still only three states of matter.

But I won’t stop. I can’t. Tomorrow, I have my midterm for Neo-Marxist Class Warfare Propaganda, and my professor said it would be worth at least 25 percent of the grade.

It’s challenging stuff. I’m still trying to master my Russian pronunciation of “Workers of the world, unite!” and I can never remember if the times table is a manifestation of heteronormativity or the patriarchy. Last week, I wrote my name (DEIrdre) on top of my homework, but I completely forgot to write my pronouns in Spanish as well as English and date the paper in years since the birth of Vladimir Lenin.

Plus, last week there was an extra credit assignment, but it was only open to students who were either generationally African American, undocumented, Ukrainian, related to Greta Thunberg, or on the US Women’s Soccer Team, so I’m worried the curve might be a little harsher than I thought. I think we can all agree that the meritocracy is a fiction of the bourgeois to justify their continued theft from the working class, though, so I’m happy to do my part by stepping back so that others can step up.

Sure, Neo-Marxist Class Warfare Propaganda is pretty rigorous, but I feel well prepared. After all, it’s all we ever do here at Harvard University. The cancer researchers and the theoretical physicists are only here so that each morning we can point at them and chant “WHITE WAYS OF KNOWING;” our linear algebra course is just an excuse to do word problems about transgender athletes in pee-wee ping-pong.

And yeah, I saw the news. But let’s just say that if the Education Department really thinks they’re going to shut down my favorite class this semester, they have no idea what they’re getting themselves into.

First of all, we divested from capitalism years ago, so threats of pulling federal funding don’t scare us. We all share the pencils we’ve whittled from communally owned bamboo, and we actually hover three inches above the ground at all times so as not to occupy Native land. So unless the Trump administration is going to revoke our access to US airspace, I think we’ll be okay.

Second of all, it’s not too clear to me who’s going to stop us. Didn’t they just fire the bureaucrats who’d nab us for secretly funneling all the money to fungi consciousness reading groups?

In fact, I sense Mx. Trump (don’t want to assume pronouns) could use a lesson in Neo-Marxist Class Warfare Propaganda themself. Everyone knows that ideology is just a manifestation of the bourgeois superstructure of material conditions. The government can’t win over the hearts and minds of the youth through gradual institutional reform — their best strategy is to sharpen the contradictions until we cast off our false consciousness and unleash the productive forces of a new world order.

And honestly, they might benefit from taking Intermediate Psychoanalytic Deconstructivism too. Maybe there’s a staffer somewhere deep in Project 2025 who’s having a hard time relating to his progressive son and thinks this can fix it. Unfortunately, threatening to strip funding from Gender Studies won’t make Junior any less gay.

Besides, I don’t think they have that much to worry about. We’re all on LinkedIn networking for the Goldman internship during class anyway.

Yona T. Sperling-Milner, an Associate Editorial editor, is a sophomore in Cabot House studying Social Studies. Datamatch didn’t really work out for her so if anyone could put her in touch with the DOGE senior that would be great!!