Arts Vanity: How to Attract a Harvard Student

As an incoming Culture Exec, it is my job — nay, my duty — to doomscroll on TikTok until I’m up to date with every trend sweeping the Internet at any given moment. From my lofty perch, I have witnessed countless social media trends come and go.

One fad, however, is perennial: the “How To Dress To Attract A Man” trend. This year-old trend pokes fun at the male gaze by combining a thoroughly condescending audio with intentionally horrendous outfits that would bring a frown to the face of even the “wokest” frat guy. These jokes are as evergreen as the patriarchal institutions they mock.

As a Crimson Arts editor, I feel obligated to direct similar satirical energies toward the most prominent institution in my life: Harvard University. To that end, enjoy the following crash course, which I’ve rather creatively titled “How To Dress To Attract a Harvard Student: A Tutorial.”

1. Make sure your hair is short and/or greasy and/or always put up!

In the words of fellow Ivy Leaguer Rory Gilmore, “Who cares if I’m pretty if I fail my finals?” Harvard students have an internationally renowned academic reputation to uphold, so they don’t have time for daily blowouts. By the looks of most dorms’ shower drains, the few who do suffer from premature baldness due to anxious, overly aggressive hair brushing.

If you want to attract a Harvard student, demonstrate your shared values by butchering your own ’do. If that’s too much commitment, at least pull it back in a ponytail. That low-effort hairstyle will prepare you for the post-exam partying and subsequent hangover you’ll endure alongside them.

2. Make sure to cover up your skin, especially those legs, fellas!

Boston winter is not for the weak. It may not have snowed yet, but the freezing rain and punishing winds will make you regret rendezvousing with your Harvard crush outside the T stop.

Don’t worry about sticking out in a crowd with your extra layers. Practically every Harvard student bundles up in winter, even if they’re just adding the free sweatshirt from freshman orientation.

3. Footwear should be chunky and practical.

Reread the previous tip for most of my reasoning behind this. Besides the cold, you’ll never be able to dramatically race after your Crimson beloved if you’re tripping over Cambridge’s wildly uneven brick sidewalks in six inch platforms.

Opt for a sturdy pair of Nikes or New Balances instead. They’re comfy, trendy, and can double as frat shoes for weekend trips to MIT.

4. Show off those political opinions at all times.

Harvard students have been in the news seemingly nonstop in the past two years for their political beliefs. As always, these statements can be made just as well with art as with words.

Buy a couple of politically coded stickers, then stick them on your laptop or some other innocuous place your Harvard crush is bound to see. Stickers are not only a great accessory, but also an amazing vibe check on matters great and small.

A single off-hand comment might raise flags redder than Harvard’s school colors. Alternatively, your Crimson crush’s comments might point to an even greener (or should I say more rainbow) future than you expected.

5. Always have a pleasant expression on your face.

This advice is unchanged from the original, since it works well for both immature men and Harvard students. During finals season, Harvard students are like animals: You should approach them with a calm and friendly demeanor.

One well-timed smile could make you someone’s saving grace (or more) for the rest of the year. Be warned, though. A pleasant expression could also attract a swarm of CS majors eager to network their way into a desirable summer internship.

With these style and behavior tips, I promise you’ll attract the Harvard student of your dreams. Godspeed, and see you in the new year for more cutting-edge cultural coverage like this!

—For more Miranda Priestly level fashion advice, please contact Incoming Culture Executive Giselle P. Acosta at giselle.acosta@thecrimson.com.