Football Prepares for Home Opener Against Brown

How does it feel to support the Cleveland Browns? Let me explain.

Imagine that you’re on a frozen highway. Suddenly, an 18-wheeler runs you over. Both your legs break, but you decide to wait out the recovery. Ice melts. Raccoons scavenge. Then, 10 weeks to the day, the same 18-wheeler runs you over again.

Replace “18-wheeler” with “Pittsburgh Steelers,” and you get the idea.

Alternatively, imagine that you buy a lottery ticket. It’s an expensive purchase ($5.3 million), but you like your odds. One day, you turn on the television and see your number. Congratulations! For 14 weeks, you make grand plans. Eventually, you turn on the television again and see that your ticket is worthless.

Replace “lottery ticket” with “Josh Gordon,” and you understand.

Traditionally, Harvard football has treated fans more kindly. The Crimson has lost five games in the past four years and won three Ivy titles.

Last Saturday, however, Harvard took a step toward Cleveland. The Crimson dropped its season opener to Rhode Island, a program that last topped .500 in 2001—meaning the most recent season in which one Browns quarterback started 16 games.

Harvard won’t lose as much as Cleveland. This I promise.

GEORGETOWN AT COLUMBIA

The last time that Columbia won an outright league title, I was laughing at a Lampoon article. In other words, the Lions have never won an outright league title.

Neither has Georgetown—partly because the Hoyas don’t play in the Ivy League. However, the Hoyas did beat Columbia last year, in a football game that doubled as improv comedy. Georgetown proceeded to drop the next eight contests of the season.

This year’s edition of “The Dumpster Fire on Grass” has little to offer. Basically, only masochists should watch.

Pick: Columbia 17, Georgetown 10.

CORNELL AT YALE

Exactly two states didn’t ratify the 18th Amendment. One was Rhode Island, which doesn’t count for the same reason that Pluto doesn’t count as a planet. One was Connecticut. The obvious explanation, evident from my visits to the Constitution State, is that Connecticut residents couldn’t survive without booze.

New Haven isn’t a city so much as a massive toilet. And Yale isn’t a school so much as a massive zoo.

However, Connecticut may finally have a winner. Last weekend, the Bulldogs demolished Lehigh, 56-28. Yale students, gone are the days of Smirnoff and Genesee. You have a new savior now. His name is Kurt Rawlings (sophomore quarterback), and on Saturday, he completed 20 of 26 passes for 308 yards.

The prudent among us may wonder about the Big Red. Won’t Cornell provide resistance?

Dear reader: Can penguins fly? Is water dry? Has anyone ever left Ithaca and said, “Gee, I can’t wait to go back”?

Pick: Yale 38, Cornell 17

HOLY CROSS AT DARTMOUTH

Recently, a spate of scam calls has bedeviled the Dartmouth campus. Hucksters phone and pose as the Hanover Police Department. They demand $5,000 and threaten an arrest warrant if the person hangs up.

I tell this story to suggest that local students have learned to separate the real from the ersatz. Which makes Big Green football all the more perplexing.

Last Saturday, Dartmouth destroyed Stetson the same way that the Harvard Management Company destroyed the endowment. Holy Cross will provide a tougher test. Senior quarterback Peter Pujals has led the Crusaders for a millenia, and the team sits at No. 25 in FCS rankings.

Besides Columbia-Georgetown, which no one cares about, this contest holds the most intrigue. I tend towards Holy Cross because an experienced quarterback means the world. Plus, Dartmouth may forfeit when the Hanover Police Department calls and demands a loss.

Pick: Holy Cross 31, Dartmouth 30

PENN AT LEHIGH

I’m convinced that Penn wide receiver Justin Watson is a terminator.

As a high school senior, he led his team to a 16-0 record. In 2016, he posted 10 or more catches in the last five games, including contests against first-place Princeton (12 catches for 82 yards) and Harvard (10 catches for 120 yards).

“I think I’d start on any FBS team in the country,” he told The Philadelphia Inquirer.

“You’re a futuristic machine sent back to destroy humanity,” I reply.

Preseason pundits projected Watson as a first-team All-American, and I heartily agree. He’s the most explosive player I’ve watched. Good luck to anyone not named Sarah Connor.

Pick: Penn 31, Lehigh 24

LAFAYETTE AT PRINCETON

It’s ironic that “Lafayette” sounds so much like “Laughingstock” because Lafayette is a laughingstock.

Not the school—I’m sure that the classes are enriching and the campus as beautiful as Easton, Penn., can be. No, I’m talking about the football team.

Last week, the Leopards lost 59-0 to Villanova. I couldn’t lose 59-0 if I trotted out 11 preschoolers. Which begs the question: How would Lafayette fare against the local elementary school?

Princeton students are not six years old. They’ve already learned advanced topics like multiplication and apostrophes. On Saturday, the Tigers will scratch out the Leopards. After all, Princeton boasts a terminator of its own—senior quarterback John Lovett, who led the FCS with 20 rushing touchdowns last year. He may score 20 more this weekend.

Pick: Princeton 45, Lafayette 7

BROWN AT HARVARD

Rhode Island is home to several historic sites, including the nation’s first circus (1774) and oldest suspended-horse carousel (1876). However, nothing compares to the monstrosity that flanks Interstate 95.

Near Providence, R.I., visitors can admire the world’s largest bug. It’s a blue termite made of fiberglass and steel that stretches 58 feet. Locals call it “Big Blue Bug.” I’m not kidding.

On Saturday, Brown football will battle Big Blue Bug for the world title. Visiting a reeling Harvard team, the Bears will moonlight as the world’s largest pest.

Last year, Brown stomached a 32-22 defeat. In 2017, though, the Bears are riding a 28-23 win over Bryant. The victory came despite the Bulldogs gaining 485 yards versus 312 for Brown.

The Bears may seem like a trendy upset pick. I say otherwise. Harvard knows how to deal with gnats.

Pick: Harvard 30, Brown 13

—Staff writer Sam Danello can be reached at sam.danello@thecrimson.com.