Arts Vanity: The Solar System of Stars

But the solar system is made up of planets! You’re not wrong. But I’m talking about living, breathing, talking stars, particularly the ones who made their mark in 2017 and have some striking similarities with our galaxy’s planets. Whether they were a one-hit wonder or made a long-awaited comeback, the following stars deserve recognition.

Mercury: Millie Bobby Brown

Mercury may be the smallest planet, but in no way should it be underestimated. Similarly, Millie Bobby Brown has proved herself a force to be reckoned with at the age of 13. She’s an Emmy-nominated actress, fashion icon, and the star of Netflix’s most successful show. She has even co-hosted an event for UNICEF. (Essentially, this is me giving my place at Harvard to Millie.)

Venus: Kesha

Kesha, how we’ve missed you. You re-entered the music scene without the dollar sign in your name, but like Venus, you’re still as fiery but full of love as ever. You’ve channelled your glitter obsession into gritty song, championing resilience in the process. Two words: Go you.

Earth: Danielle Bregoli

Memes ruled yet another year on Earth. And one of our superstars, Danielle Bregoli, made her famous debut with a very taken aback Dr. Phil (and woefully indignant mother). Lucky for us, she’s given us a response to just about anything. Don’t agree? Cash me ousside, howbow dah.

Mars: Cardi B

We’ve been following the iconic Cardi B on social media for awhile, but no one expected her to pull off one of the most successful singles of the year. “Bodak Yellow” was a diverting, unifying escape from this year of chaos—almost like a visit to Mars would be. Will she bless us with another musical haven? Either way, she finished 2017 with a bang(er).

Jupiter: Kim Kardashian West

We get it: You’re the biggest planet. You basically own “the system.” “The system” is your famous, bronzed family. You also married a pretty famous rapper. And have two (soon to be three) beautiful children, plus a makeup line. People name workouts after you. Ugh. Stop hogging the attention.

Saturn: Miley Cyrus

You’ve been with us for awhile. In fact, many of us don’t remember life without you. You might’ve gyrated your rings a little too enthusiastically in 2013, but we always knew you’d be back. “Malibu” brought us back to Hannah Montana-era Miley, and we just about cried hearing your voice again.

Uranus: Taylor Swift

You’re the butt of every solar system joke. You can try to redeem yourself with new takes on pop music and pseudo-deep music videos, but in the end, no one wants to explore Uranus. Stop trying.

Neptune: Gal Gadot

Thank you for showing us that strength can be simultaneously intimidating and strikingly beautiful. I’m no doubt very scared of ever encountering you because I’ll be a small, mushy human in comparison, but Gal Gadot, you’re Wonder Woman on and off screen.

Pluto: Jelena

Wait, is Pluto relevant anymore? Just when you think it’s officially in the past, we’ll see photos of it, new or old, that put us in a nostalgic swoon. In this way Pluto is the most divisive of the planets, setting off debates against and in support of it—just like America’s most followed couple, Jelena. (They are back together again, right?)

— Kaylee S. Kim is the outgoing Theater Executive and incoming Editor-at-Large and co-comp director. For someone who “doesn’t listen to pop music,” she has an unhealthy obsession with “Shape of You.” She incidentally chose all female stars for this article (here’s to internalized anti-patriarchism?).