Arts Vanity: The Harvard Student’s Guide to Crystals

2018 will vault us firmly into the long-awaited and highly-anticipated next era: the Postdigital Age. In apocalyptic fashion, millennials ridden with Apple Watch anxiety and social-media-posing muscle spasms will band together to give up their gadgets for good, with Urban Outfitters, naturally, in the vanguard. You won’t need your smartphone when all your music is made on vinyl and all your photos are Polaroids.

But are you, Harvard student, really prepared for this cataclysmic cultural shift? Once you’ve tossed your Google Glass and portable drone under your bed (to be stored for the Prepostdigitaltranshumanism Age) you’ll need to be properly equipped for your unplugged life. You’ll need the healing power of crystals.

You might think the crystal thing is just another one of those overpriced vegan Los Angeles trends. Well, so was kale, and now it’s impossible to avoid. So we’ve compiled the most relevant crystal tips to help the Harvard student assimilate.

1. Obtaining your crystals.

Healing crystals are no regular rocks. Don’t try digging for these precious stones at Mt. Auburn Cemetery. You’ll need to purchase your crystals online at a certified metaphysical shop, preferably in Brooklyn. Rocks aren’t light, so be prepared to shell out for shipping. Some non-peer-reviewed studies show that the more money you spend on your crystals, the more healing energy they radiate.

2. Which crystals are right for you.

You could spend hours browsing the internet trying to find your perfect crystal match. We’ve done the work for you and selected the stones most relevant for the Harvard student. Amethyst is known as “The Artist’s Stone.” You should get some of these in preparation for meeting up with all of your artsiest friends. Grip this, tightly, in your pocket during those conversations, and you just might radiate with genius theories about post-painterly abstraction. Tiffany Stone is known as “The Stone of Mental Sharpness.” Instead of studying for your final, buy a ton of these and press them against your forehead. Finally, Clear Fluorite is “The Crystal of New Perspective.” Gently toss this stone at anyone who doesn’t agree with your argument.

3. Getting your crystals past the Widener metal detector.

Keep a few handouts on you at all times explaining the very real scientific and metaphysical basis for your crystals’ powers. Whenever people give you a hard time for lugging “those weird rocks” around, you’ll have the pleasure of enlightening a future crystal carrier.

4. Crystals in the classroom.

Crystals may not be on the official list of sanctioned academic accommodations, but odds are high that that will change pretty soon. You might find it helpful, for example, to bring Blue Chalcedony, “The Speaker’s Stone,” with you to your next class presentation. It’s obviously difficult to simultaneously carry your crystal and switch between slides on a PowerPoint, but duct-taping this crystal to your upper body while speaking should work just as well.

5. Crystal as decor.

Your crystals should be displayed as prominently as possible in your bedroom. This will not only make for ideal energy radiance, but also for ideal advertisement value. If you’re spending that much money on colorful rocks, everyone better know it.

—Rebecca H. Dolan is the outgoing Campus Arts exec. She has decided to study abroad in London next semester, in order to further distance herself from the influence of Los Angeles vegan culture.