Bad Horoscopes: Halloween

Aquarius (January 20—February 18):

You’re content with the highlight of your social calendar being the awkward eye contact you make with that one boy who walks out through the revolving doors of the Science Center every Wednesday just as you walk in. But don’t worry, we have a way you can participate in the Halloween festivities without having to communicate at all: Dress up as a ghost. It's the one day a year when you can drift aimlessly through the halls, staring vacantly at passersby without judgement.

Pisces (February 19—March 20):

Pisces are the most fish-like of all the signs. Finally, you have the chance to completely embrace the aquatic aspect of your personality: Dress up as a merperson. You may be tempted to test out the effectiveness of your costume by going for a quick dip in the Charles. Jump right in! People on the shore might think you’re drunk and/or insane, but tonight’s your chance.

Aries (March 21—April 19):

Although normally known for your appetite for adventure, you’re going to be scared shitless this Halloween night. It’s gonna be really frigging spooky. Maybe sit this one out and barricade your doors. Those adorable trick-or-treating children could be serial killers out for your candy—or worse: your blood.

Taurus (April 20—May 20):

You’ve probably had your highly specific “Lord of the Rings” minor character costume planned for months and want to do every semi-fall-themed activity before the end of October, from pumpkin-carving to apple-picking. Your dedication to October festivities is as endearing as it is annoying. I’m sure your roommates would appreciate if you chilled a bit on that apples ‘n cinnamon-scented air freshener, and maybe kept the decorative gourds on your side of the room.

Gemini (May 21—June 20):

Halloween is the time when you get to express who you truly are: someone who enjoys pretending to be other people and lying about every aspect of yourself. Capitalize on this underappreciated quality of yours and enjoy the one day of the year that no one can call you a sociopath.

Cancer (June 21—July 22):

You are our last bastion against the encroaching tide of consumerism. This is your chance to broadcast your hatred for commercialized holidays and to launch a protest against the “modern” celebration of Halloween. Let’s bring Halloween back to its roots and set up a ceremonial witch-burning stake in the middle of the Yard.

Leo (July 23—August 22):

You’re a bit conflicted about Halloween. On the one hand, it’s one of your favorite days of the year: You get the chance to bask in the spotlight with your incredible costume. On the other hand, it’s not socially acceptable to dress up as yourself. Don’t worry, we have a plan: Start a movement to have everyone else on campus dress up as you, so that the school can finally recognize and celebrate its most beautiful student.

Virgo (August 23—September 22):

You want to like Halloween so, so badly, but the aftermath is just too much for your neat-freak tendencies. Decorations? Fun. Impossible-to-get-rid-of fake spiderwebs and rotting jack-o-lanterns? Ugh. Halloween candy bought in bulk that’s totally for all of the trick-or-treaters you’re going to have, and definitely not for your private consumption? Amazing. Sticky candy wrappers littered across your floor? Awful. Consider dressing as a dustpan so that you can clean up on the go.

Libra (September 23—October 22):
You are filled with good ideas, but unfortunately, they rarely come to fruition. Remember last year when you were going to be a monarch butterfly? And then a LEGO man, and then a flying genie? And how on October 31, having pulled none of that together, you drew some black dots on a red shirt and called yourself a ladybug? Maybe there’s a reason why your parents stopped saving your Halloween pictures after a certain point. That’s why this year you need to decide on a costume now and commit to it. We’ve got an easy one for you: Dress up as your Leo friend.

Scorpio (October 23—November 21):

You are intense and competitive, and you take Halloween incredibly seriously. There’s nothing more exciting to you than the competitive sport of trick-or-treating, but you are getting a little old. It's time to rent yourself some younger siblings to do the dirty work for you—mugging children for candy seems to be going out of style. Let them do all the door-to-door work, while you reap the sweet, sweet reward.

Sagittarius (November 22—December 21):

Even though you tend to be a commitment-phobe, as the air gets a little colder, you find yourself wishing you had someone to cuddle up with on chilly nights. So how should you go about finding a bae with Halloween on the horizon? We’ve got two words for you: couples costumes. Pick a classic couples costume that speaks to you, and wear one half of it all of Halloweekend. You’ll know you’ve found your perfect match when you find your literal other half.

Capricorn (December 22—January 19):

You probably didn’t even realize it was October until now, you dumbass! Guess what, it’s already the end of the month. Too bad for you, you’ve missed your opportunity to do anything remotely festive. Just stay inside until you start hearing Christmas music.