FM Imagines: FM 1997 Imagining FM 2017

The year is 1997. It’s 8 p.m. on a Tuesday night. The Crimson Sanctum buzzes with eager writers and editors of the newly-branded Fifteen Minutes Magazine. Diddy’s “I’ll Be Missing You,” is playing, and although it’s at the top of the charts, it’s really throwing off the vibe right now. Everyone is wearing flannel and has terrible skinny eyebrows.

“Okay, guys, I’ve got it: a Venn Diagram of ‘Black Friday sales’ and ‘the death of Diana, Princess of Wales.’”

“Too soon?”

“Definitely too soon.”

Everyone in the room adjusts their choker necklaces uncomfortably.

“What about ‘a line of blow’ and ‘the recent breakup of Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow’?”

“Again, maybe a little soon. Although Gwyneth is looking great these days—I wish I knew what she eats, and how she takes care of her skin and body.”

“It’s a shame that we’ll never know. I’ve got all these jade eggs lying around.”

The song changes: Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping.”

“Maybe ‘orgasmic grunting’ and ‘Good Will Hunting’? It’s that movie that’s coming out soon, with that guy who dropped out of Harvard a few years ago.”

“Right, Ben Affleck’s friend.”

“Miramax has been on fire at the box offices lately.”

“I know, something about it almost doesn’t feel right.”

“‘Men in Black’ and ‘being good in the sack.’”

“‘Widespread moral panic’ and “the steamy window scene in Titanic.”

“Guys, are you serious? Are we going to waste our page space with totally vulgar Venn Diagrams? Is that the Fifteen Minutes Magazine we want to leave to posterity? How will FM writers look back on this, ten, twenty years from now?”

“Well, surely they’ll be tired of this Venn Diagram bullshit by then.”