AROUND THE IVIES: No Upsets Predicted for Week Three of Ivy Football

­In my entire life, I have only been to one NFL game despite living smack in the middle of Patriots country.

The Dolphins were visiting New England in January of 2006, and I headed to Gillette Stadium with my dad, uncle, and cousin, eager to finally witness the Patriots’ dominance in person.

We actually almost missed kickoff because eight-year-old me spent a half hour being sick in a McDonald’s parking lot on the way to Foxborough. Interestingly enough, we hadn’t eaten at McDonald’s, so their food wasn’t the culprit.

Up to that point in my life, my football knowledge was exclusively Patriots-based, to the point where I probably didn’t even know Miami had a professional team. Accordingly, my memory of the game is faint.

I really only recalled three things: “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osbourne blaring through the stadium speakers as the home team ran onto the field, a halfway decent cheeseburger I got from one of the concession stands, and Doug Flutie’s famous drop kick.

Seeing that improbable play in game action proved that you should always expect the unexpected in sports, especially in football.

However, in Week Three of the Ivy League football slate, the unexpected is just that. I’m not going to get to predict any crazy upsets, as it seems as though most teams have been performing and will continue to perform up to their preseason expectations (aside from Penn—more on that debacle later). I’ll try to keep things interesting nonetheless.

BROWN AT URI

I’ll cut right to the chase. This is easily the game of the week.

The claim to the Rhode Island throne is up for grabs. This is for bragging rights. This is for all the marbles.

Ok, maybe not. Rhode Island is the smallest state, and probably one of the least relevant. I hear Newport is nice though.

Coincidentally, Harvard has already played both of these teams. The Crimson demolished URI in hits season opener, winning by 30.

Last week, the Crimson pulled off yet another win over Brown, its sixth in a row against the Bears. Brown did make it interesting this time, as the outcome was in limbo until midway through the fourth quarter.

Side note, the cookies they have in the press box at Brown Stadium are delicious. If URI had to go up against Brown based on press box cookie quality alone, I’d say the outlook would be similar to the Cleveland Browns facing off against a vengeful Tom Brady when he is reinstated from his suspension. Not good.

(Most of my references will center around the Pats if you haven’t picked up on that yet.)

Not only does Brown probably have better cookies, it also has the better football team.

Prediction: Brown 34, URI 21

PENN AT DARTMOUTH

Penn vs Dartmouth. Quakers vs Big Green. Big city, bright lights vs. … trees. Lots of trees.

Penn may have the advantage when it comes to location (we all know how the media favors big-city, East Coast teams), but Dartmouth certainly has the advantage when it comes to momentum.

Penn, after being favored by some to run away with the Ivy League crown, lost its first two contests. Luckily for the Quakers, both losses were against non-conference opponents, but this shaky start does not bode well for the Philadelphians.

Like wide-eyed freshmen embarking on FOP trips before fall semester, Penn will venture into the New Hampshire wilderness this weekend. Unlike these freshmen, Penn will leave having failed to develop any survival skills for life in the Ivy League.

Prediction: Dartmouth 42, Penn 20

PRINCETON AT COLUMBIA

I won’t name names, but one of my co-writers on the beat is sorely mistaken when it comes to Ancient Eight gridiron battles: Any football is good football.

I lied. I have to name names. Gant, that was too much disrespect in my book.

But if there’s one game that I would label a snoozefest, this might be it.

Two middle of the road schools, two middle of the road football teams.

For the fourth straight year, Columbia has started its campaign 0-2. The Lions have only scored 23 points and yielded 30 in their first two contests, paving the way for a game that might only be exciting if you’re one of the punters.

Princeton has been Columbia’s exact opposite offensively and defensively in 2016’s opening weeks. The Tigers have been outscored 73-63 so far, but hold a 1-1 record.

This game could honestly be either a slugfest or a scrappy, low-scoring affair. Instead of settling for a prediction that splits the difference, I’ll be bold. Hot takes only around here.

Prediction: Princeton 13, Columbia 6

Al Bagnoli retires again.

LEHIGH AT YALE

Yale just can’t catch a break.

Not only does it have to pencil in its annual loss to Harvard, Yale also has to deal with a red-hot Lehigh team for its third game.

Lehigh enters this week having dispatched of Penn and Princeton in back-to-back contests by 21 and 14 points, respectively.

Unlike Lehigh, the Bulldogs were just blown out by Colgate and lost to Cornell, losing by a combined 56 points. The future in New Haven is looking bleak indeed.

Prediction: Lehigh 52, Yale 7

CORNELL AT COLGATE

For once, Cornell might not be the most forgettable Ivy League team. The Big Red has jumped out to a 2-0 start, and instead of battling with other Ivy cellar-dwellers, Cornell might find itself nearer to the middle of the pack this year.

However, one roadblock in Cornell’s path is a Colgate team that should have no trouble rolling past the Big Red. The Raiders battled to a 38-31 loss against No. 7 Richmond and had no trouble at all against Yale, showing that Cornell will have to get seriously lucky to pull off a win.

Prediction: Colgate 45, Cornell 28

GEORGETOWN AT HARVARD

The Hoyas eked out a victory against Bagnoli’s boys last week, and they still have not lost a game.

Should Harvard be scared? Nah, probably not. The Crimson shut out Georgetown a year ago and put up 45 points in the process.

I realize that a lot can change in a year, but if we’ve learned one thing about Harvard football during the tenure of coach Tim Murphy, it’s that the Crimson find a way to win year after year, regardless of roster turnover.

The most notable example of Harvard’s remarkable consistency is found at the quarterback position. Senior Joe Viviano continues to impress through two starts, stepping in for the graduated Scott Hosch admirably. Viviano has thrown for three touchdowns and rushed for another three, and he has yet to throw an interception. Take notes, Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Seeing as Georgetown most likely spent more time analyzing the outcome of the first presidential debate than preparing for this week’s game, I picture Harvard not having too much difficulty with the Hoyas Friday night at the Stadium.

Prediction: Harvard 37, Georgetown 24

Staff writer Jack Stockless can be reached at jackstockless@college.harvard,edu.