Regarding My Future Unemployment

Dear extended relatives, family friends, former English teachers, gynecologists, and my brother’s roommates and their extended relatives, I am very tired of answering the same questions about my future, over and over. And I know, for the most part, you have only been asking to be polite, to make conversation, or so that you can compare me to your daughter (she wins, okay, she wins!). So to streamline the process I have compiled a list of the most commonly asked questions (and their answers) about my future and career goals.

Before contacting me with any inquires, please read these questions. If you still have questions about what I am doing with my life after reading, feel free to contact me via post and I will get back to you within 7-12 business days.

What are you doing after you graduate?

I’m taking a year off to study for the LSAT. (Author’s note: I am not going to take the LSAT. This just seems like the most socially acceptable answer.) Maybe I’ll live with my parents; they’ve converted my room into a Man-Cave. The treadmill will make a nice Murphy bed.

Won’t that be awkward moving back in with your parents?

The Man-Cave has HBO.

How will you make money?

My dad pays me $10/hour to sit at home and wait for packages to arrive so that I can sign for them. He also gives me a generous allowance: $20 a week if I remember to feed the dog—which I don’t because I am trying to train him to be independent.

What kind of dog do you have?

(Authors note: this is a good question. Please feel free to ask me this question in person.) He’s an American Eskimo. Would you like to see the video of him rolling around in the snow? It’s adorable. Oh! Here’s a picture of him driving. See that, he’s sitting under the wheel—that’s not how you drive! Wait, I have a few more good ones, let me find them. Shoot, I think they’re on my com- puter now. Do you want me to send them to you?

You know, if you found a rich nice man, that would solve a lot of problems.

Dad, please keep these in question form.

Have you met any rich men at Harvard? It’s not shallow if they are also nice.

Dad, if you don’t want me to live at home, please just tell me straight up. Is this about the Man-Cave? I promise I won’t touch your LP’s.

If I give you some money, will you promise to buy something nice, maybe get a haircut, and then put yourself out there?

Dad, I’m hanging up now.

What are your long-term plans?

Well, based on storm surges and changing weather patterns, I’m not sure I need to plan past 2036.

God, that sounds horrible, shouldn’t you do something about the impending environmental collapse?

Shouldn’t we all? I bought a book about the cod industry, what have you done?

Okay, hypothetically if society does not collapse, any career plans?

Well, I’m not going into the cod industry. I might try to become Twitter famous.

Is 159 a lot of followers?

Do you have one? You should follow me!

Well, have you tried getting a job?

Yes. (Author’s note: no.)

What do you mean that you stopped using LinkedIn once you realized that you can’t poke potential employers? Should you be joking about things like that?

No. (Author’s note: yes.)

What are your skills?

I’m very good at social media, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and I know conversational Spanish when I’m drunk. Also, Word; I’m great with Microsoft Word. Plus, as of last month, my resume only has one typo, and it’s really more of a stylistic choice. What do you study?

Government.

Government’s a major?

Yeah. But I only chose it because I wanted to write for “The Colbert Report.”

Didn’t that end?

Yes.

Isn’t that kind of a dumb idea, you know, to base your entire education on something like that?

That’s kind of a pointed question. I don’t want to answer it.

Your dad tells me you’re applying to law school.

Is that what he’s telling people now? Sure. Let’s go with that.