Arts Vanity Issue: 15 Hottest Deans

This piece was published as part of the Crimson Arts 2015 Year in Review Vanity section, a satirical set of pieces written by incoming and outgoing Arts execs.

Arts imagines the comprehensive list of Harvard’s 15 8 Hottest Deans named Dingman, including brief profiles and fun trivia.

James Dean Dingman

This rebel without a cause is the perfect lunch date for any upperclassman who wants to stick it to the man by eating in Annenberg. He gets it, and he’s angry about it too.

Favorite pastime: Smoking cigs in Harvard Yard

Dean and DeLuca Dingman

If you’re after someone who tastes as good as they look, search no further. “I like to keep things spicy,” he said, “but also savory and zesty and oaky and floral and, well, you catch my drift.”

Favorite spice: Spanish Saffron

Jimmy Dean Dingman

Whether you have a 9 a.m. French class or morning lift, this dean promises his savory breakfast sandwiches will give you the strength and energy you need to face the day.

Celebrity Crush: Mia Hamm

Vitamin D(ean) Dingman

This dean is known across campus for his strong bones. An all around champion of campus health, he hopes to use his role to remind students of the importance of proper nutrition and daily exercise. “Students should feel free to swing by my office hours any time,” he said. “I’m always willing to toss the ball and shoot the shit.”

Least favorite milk: 1% Milk

Paula Deen Dingman

With his sweet Southern drawl and passion for all things butter, this dean can’t help but deep fry your heart. Find him in the Greenough kitchen, dressed in his favorite Kiss the Cook apron.

Official title: Dean of Diversity

Dean Evelynn Hammonds Dingman

This dean is known to get a bit jealous, albeit in a way that his former partners have described as “[cute and only slightly] terrifying.” Yes, he may go through some of your emails. But, he assured us, you only have to worry if you’re actually cheating.

Favorite TV show: Scandal

Katniss Everdeen Dingman

“I’m all about strong women. I just really need more strong female leads in my life,” this dean said through mouthfuls of pita bread in response to our question about what he was most looking forward to about the holidays. “Also, I only eat this bread to be ironic. And because it’s free in the Berg. Please put that in your profile. The part about me being ironic, not the part about it being free.”

Favorite House: Lowell

Secret Garde(a)n Dingman

An avid botanist and gardener, this dean lists among his proudest accomplishments his award-winning orchids and his role as a consultant on Ludacris’s 2000 hit “What’s Your Fantasy.” “You know that line, ‘In the garden all in the dirt’?” he asked. “That was all me.”

Least favorite Dean: Dean Pfister (“Trust me,” he said, suppressing a giggle, “he’s not a fun guy.”)