Top Chrises in Comic Book Films (Come at me-soon to be-disgruntled Crimson readers)

I’m a simple girl with simple tastes. There are two things I love in this world: men named Chris and superhero films. Join me as I rank and objectify the various Chrises who have graced the silver screen as superheroes with their wonderfully inappropriate spandex, beautifully coiffed hair, and muscles that make bodybuilders weep in joy. I’ll try to factor in the quality of performance. No promises, though.

6) Chris Evans (Johnny Storm aka Human Torch): Before he was Captain America, he was the annoying hot guy/playboy who could light himself on fire. Yawn. It was a bad role in a bad movie (can Marvel please get the rights for “Fantastic Four” back?), saved only by the eighth wonder of the world that is Chris Evans half-naked.

5) Chris(tian) Bale (Bruce Wayne aka Batman): Yes, arguably, Bale is the best actor of the lot. He helped elevate the Batman movies from simple comic book fodder to genuinely amazing films and resurrected the franchise from its sad death by plastic nipple suits in the 1997 film “Batman & Robin.”  I don’t know, though. I’m not convinced. Guttural sounds and brooding sad-faces just don’t do it for me. Sometimes, however, when Bale incoherently growls, “I’m Batman,” I feel like being a bad girl for a bad boy.

4) Chris Hemsworth (Thor): Don’t get me wrong. I would allow Hemsworth to play his didgeridoo for me anytime, anywhere. I just can’t get over the putrid mess that was “Thor 2: The Dark World” (what was the villain's motive again? Something about light and dark and destroying the universe. I can’t remember clearly since my eyes glazed over from boredom.). Regardless, People’s Sexiest Man Alive is still a tall drink of water, so he places firmly in the middle of the pack.

3) Chris(topher) Reeve (Clark Kent aka Superman): You have to appreciate your classics, friends. The original tall, dark, and handsome, Reeve propelled Superman to super stardom while looking good doing it. Like a glass of red wine, Reeve’s performance (and sexiness) becomes even greater with time. Henry Cavill who?

2) Chris Pratt (Peter Quill aka Star-Lord): How can you not love Pratt when he’s J-Lawing it up on the media circuit? Pratt—injecting a dose of quirkiness and Indiana-Jones-lite hotness into Peter Quill—and his 50-pack have become a bona-fide action stars. Let’s be real. The best scene of “Guardians of the Galaxy” is when Pratt get hosed down. Those still thirsty for Pratt can watch him ride with raptors (literally—watch the trailer) next summer in “Jurassic World,” where he will continue to destroy the ovaries of women everywhere.

1) Chris Evans (Steve Rogers aka Captain America): Oh Captain, my Captain. Evans has come a long way (like 20 pounds of muscle away) from his “Fantastic Four” days. I could talk about how “Winter Soldier” was the best standalone Marvel film since “Iron Man,” thanks in part to Evans’s phenomenal performance as Steve Rogers, but I’ll just say this: God bless America, and God bless the cinematographer that appreciates Chris Evans’s ass(ets) as much as I do.