Vanité des vanités: How to Write a Jude D. Russo Review

Have you ever wanted to sound like the pretentious critic from “All About Eve”? Have you ever wanted to alienate significant numbers of people? Are you the sort of person who flatters yourself into thinking that significant numbers of people read your writing? If you answered yes to any of these questions, this is the guide for you! Use it to annoy your enemies and also to annoy your friends!

STEP 1: LYRICAL INTRODUCTION

To write a proper JDR review, you have to start out on the right foot. The introduction sets the tone for the whole piece. To get in the proper spirit of the thing, spend an hour or two staring at a photograph of A. E. Housman. Once you have done this, start your introduction. There are three acceptable ways to frame the introduction:

If you are writing a “master-level” JDR review, your first sentence should start with a subordinate clause. Extra points for starting with a quote with a subordinate clause.

STEP 2: HAVE AN OPINION

You are an opinionated person, and conveying your opinion is at least notionally why you are writing this review. However, for it to be a proper JDR review, you must have the right sort of opinion.

Acceptable opinions:

There are no acceptable positive opinions, unless it actually made you cry, in which case you may not actually be able to write the review.

By Rohan W. Goel

STEP 3: FEEL BAD

About all mean the things you just said. Your mother would be ashamed.

STEP 4: TRY TO SAY SOMETHING NICE

This is usually only feasible if the thing you’re having an opinion about failed or was terrible. If it was an offense to Art, you might be scraping the bottom.**

STEP 5: TALK ABOUT BLOCKING

If you are the sort of person who writes this sort of review, you probably obsess over blocking. You will talk about blocking even if you’re not writing a theater review. Just accept it.

STEP 6: WRITE A CONCLUSION

While your opinions go on forever, the review can’t. The conclusion should be hasty, stilted, and short. If you can jam in a quote from Cicero, pat yourself on the back and take a shot for Art.***

STEP 7: ENJOY

You’re now a terrible, terrible person that nobody likes. Good job!

*A FUN GAME FOR YOU TO PLAY: While reading a JDR review, take a shot every time you see an appeal to Art!

**You should be at two shots by now!

***Take two shots here because of how much self-referentiality annoys you.

—Jude D. Russo is the incoming films exec. He was formerly an Ancient Greek sculpture.