Four Dollar Wine Critic: Drunk in Love

We all know the similarities between love and drunkenness: they’re confusing; they make us write a lot of shitty poetry; they bring us closer to God; they result in public vomiting. I am also frequently—like three or four times weekly—deep in one or both of them. Resultantly, I have as many feelings as there are sparkly gay stars in the galaxy. In order to siphon some of these feelings onto you people, today in Four Dollar Wine, things are going to get a little lovey/sexy. As the poets know, forget the heart—love lies in the liver.

Charles Shaw Merlot

($2.99/bottle; Trader Joe’s)

“Charlie,” I breathe, “I’ve been waiting for you.” It’s Sunday night, late. I shouldn’t be succumbing to this temptation—I still have to read 150 pages of subaltern studies—but I can’t hold on any longer: I crave your sweet release. My breath is coming fast, which is probably because I don’t work out and live on the third story, and I’m aching for your tall, hard form, opaque, but with a hot red interior. You’re looked down upon—my friends all make fun of me—but I don’t care that you’re just a three dollar brew from the local bourgeois grocery: I want you. I slink into our suite, and don’t bother to barricade myself in the bathroom before uncorking you in front of everybody—just how we discussed when we planned out this scene earlier, deciding on a safeword and discussing our expectations, turn-ons, and fears. I have you straight, nothing between my mouth and the cool glass (a choice we feel comfortable with, having assessed the risks and honestly discussed our sexual histories), hard and a little slippery. I am open to you, you are flowing into me, your red liquids acrid and lovely. “Oh, Charlie,” I moan. “I could stay like this forever. Me, you, and this copy of ‘Dominance Without Hegemony.’”

Salice Salentino Epicuro

(Free; leftover from a friend’s party)

Game time! Some of the following phrases are from Epicuro’s label. Some are angsty sex descriptions from my * actual * secret * diary *. Which are which? (Answer key below.) You be the judge: Drunk or In Love?

1. Lush tasteful body

2. Well balanced and full bodied

3. Good length in the mouth

4. Fat and square on the lips, a raspberry, a peach ripe pink

5. Sweetmusky, steaming

6. With a long finish

7. Intense and persistent aromas of red, woody berries

8. Stain of wined juice warm swelling

9. Smoother than before, feels good, tastes good, smells good

10. Orange reflections on the outside rim

11. That juice box wet, she keep that juice box juicy

12. Turn that cherry out, turn that cherry out

Velvet Moon Cabernet Sauvignon

(Free; leftover from a party)

In Urdu, there are said to be Seven Stages Of Love: dilkashi (attraction), uns (attachment), mohabbat (love), akidat (trust), ibadat (worship), junoon (obsession), and maut (death). This provides a helpful framework for thinking about my current relationships: Velvet Moon Cabernet Sauvignon, my vibrator, and my roommates. Attraction: A friend offers me a free bottle of Velvet Moon Cabernet Sauvignon. I am attracted. Attachment: I take from her the bottle of Velvet Moon Cabernet Sauvignon. Because it is in my hand, I am attached to it. Love: Velvet Moon Cabernet Sauvignon’s name is an ointment poured forth; therefore do the virgins love thee. I, on the other hand, think love is a tool of biopolitical social control, and virginity a construct. Trust: Velvet Moon Cabernet Sauvignon tastes like an alcoholic beverage. I trust it to intoxicate me. Worship: I don’t worship Velvet Moon Cabernet Sauvignon because I have a healthy sense of balance and also am more interested in that chick in my gov class, but it does have notes of cherry. Obsession: I can literally think of nothing besides Velvet Moon Cabernet Sauvignon. Death: Death is scary. I will drink more Velvet Moon Cabernet Sauvignon, which has some boysenberry notes and is slightly spicy, to avoid contemplating the inextricability of passion and mortality.

Reina A. E. Gattuso ’15, The Crimson’s Resident Lesbian Sex Icon, is a literature and studies of women, gender, and sexuality concentrator in Adams House.

1. In love 2. Drunk 3. Drunk 4. In love. 5. In love 6. Drunk 7. Drunk 8. In love 9. In love 10. Drunk 11. Pitbull 12. Beyoncé