True Life: Job Search

To Whom It May Concern:

It is with great enthusiasm that I am applying for whatever position you are willing to give me. The skills that I have learned in college are vaguely applicable to the job you posted on my university’s career page. Please employ me.

Your job posting, along with several others, sounds somewhat promising considering that I have been conditioned to want nothing short of changing the world. It says in the position description that you appreciate the “rolled up sleeves” approach. Although I am confused as to whether this is a dress code or a mentality, I will say that I can do either. It’s not a good look for me, but the same goes for pre-med, pre-law, and any of the other “pre-” designations. I wish we could be frank with each other: I could tell you that I am smart, and you could ignore a low GPA (just part of attaining higher education today, am I right?). But in the end, we both know that isn’t good look for you, so it looks like we’ll both need to make some sacrifices.

Having attended a premier academic institution, it was difficult to narrow down my most positive attributes to a single page, but I have attempted to do so in merely two paragraphs. Please let me know if any of the following are applicable to your company because, if not, I will most definitely have acquired the necessary skills before the interview.  The Office of Career Services compares finding a job to playing a contact sport. While I have never actually played a contact sport, it sounds like it involves being knocked down in some capacity, and I am great at falling. Sometimes, when working in a group setting, I tell stories that make people laugh. When I play “Apples to Apples,” I usually win, which is harder than you might imagine at the collegiate level of play. Furthermore, I almost never lose at beer pong, except for when I play against people who are better than I am.

In between writing my purely theoretical thesis and pretending to go to the gym, I started knitting, or rather began practicing the fiber arts, joining a club of elites including Meryl Streep, Audrey Hepburn, and George Lucas. Not to mention, I am an excellent Netflix viewer in that I have a membership and use it frequently. Finally, in terms of workplace etiquette and behaviors, I never wear white after Labor Day, and I used to avoid wearing black-navy and brown-black combinations. However, after spending three years in the Northeastern Corridor, I have learned that these are not only accepted fashion choices, but that they are highly encouraged, thereby demonstrating my adaptability in a forever shifting socio-professional environment

Thank you for reading my application. Perhaps I should appreciate that you have taken the time to get to know me as a person. But if we are continuing our policy of total honesty, I should probably disclose that you know nothing about me. I could make the attempt at an introduction, but then there would be no shameless use of buzzwords and the contrived analyses of leadership failures to which you were so looking forward. Soon thereafter, you would realize that I was not the cookie-cutter applicant—or worse in some cases, that I was.

I have been told that my education grants me endless possibilities and that you would be lucky to have me. Take that as you will, and note that I have been described as “highly competent,” words that we have weirdly come to confuse with legitimate praise. But, don’t just take my word for it! After three years of being irrationally terrified to approach my incredible professors, I present you with my only true reference, the lady at CVS who regularly supervises me as I purchase pints of ice cream at least twice a week.

Please do not hesitate to ask me questions about my application. I am generally free any day of the week because I am literally doing nothing.

Sincerely,

Unemployed Senior

Preetha Hebbar ’14, a Crimson editorial writer, is a history of science concentrator in Cabot House.