Breaking Down the Tie

Dear U.S. News and World,

We know you didn’t mean anything by it, but no one has childhood dreams of working hard in high school and graduating top of their class just to end up in New Jersey. Sharing the top spot in your rankings is a bit of a low blow, but it’s, like, fine, whatever, we don’t even care. Below are five tiebreakers anyway, as if we have anything to prove. And for the record, when we want your opinion, we’ll give it to you.

1. Campus Charm

Final clubs are WAY classier than eating clubs, as evidenced by the existence of the Delphic.

2. Decorative Shorts

At the end of the day, Nantucket Reds just don’t look the same in New Jersey.

3. Pickup Lines

(Or: Insensitive WWII References) No one’s ever heard of dropping the P-Bomb.

4. Sporting Prowess

We’ve definitely got that big fencing match in the bag, and we prefer gentlemen sports anyway.

5. Gender Equality

“No means yes, yes means anal!”—This one actually goes to Yale, coming in from behind.