Secrets of Boys’ Friendships Revealed

In Ghana, males undergo wedding-like ceremonies recognizing their friendship. In Asia, men on the street hold hands without social repercussions. New York University Professor Niobe Way invoked these cultural practices, which are contrary to contemporary American heteronormative ideals, to point out how “bromances” have become frowned upon even though they are critical to the development of adolescent boys.

At a talk last night sponsored by the Harvard Graduate School of Education, Way spoke about her research on boys’ friendships.

Presenting excerpts from her new book, “Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection,” Way read passages of interviews conducted with hundreds of adolescent boys spanning age and race. Way said that her research showed that before boys reach maturity in the later years of high school, their friendships often resemble the close emotional connections often ascribed to girls’ friendships.

“It might be nice to be a girl, because then you wouldn’t have to be emotionless,” one boy said.

Often, quotes invoked the passionate love and trust young boys felt for their friends, a concept that disappeared as the boys aged.

One boy said, “[My best friend and I] love each other.” Another reminisced about a sleepover and how he and his friends would discuss their personal problems at home.

“We were talking about secrets and that’s how I know my best friends,” this boy said.

Another adolescent boy conveyed the vulnerability young boys feel.

“My best friend thinks physical pain is worse than emotional pain and I don’t think that’s true. I don’t give my heart out to too many people ... especially when it could get broken or hurt easily.”

But Way said that her research showed a trend where boys lose these close relationships as they grow older, which she attributed to societal pressure to be more masculine.

Way said that the boys often associated having close male friends with being gay or feminine. She observed that older boys express their feelings for other males and immediately follow with the statement “no homo.”

“Boys at 16, 17, and 18 start to sound like gender stereotypes,” Way said.

Way said that this loss of close, emotional connections is a main cause of the increased risk of suicide for males, who are four times more likely to die from suicide attempts than females their age.

“If you keep it all to yourself, you go crazy,” one adolescent boy said.

Two graduate students at Way’s talk who had experience working with adolescent boys said they agreed with the research Way conducted. Ed School student Taylor J. Gaar, who worked with boys in wilderness therapy, said he had seen how quickly the wall of masculinity could break down when isolated from society.

“It’s amazing how little it takes in a situation like that to move beyond the stereotypes and break down and cry,” he said, as many of the boys cried when their friends left the camp.

Ed School student Cameron D. Paterson, who formerly worked at an all-boys school in Australia, said he agreed with Way but thought she neglected an important point.

“What does a boys’ school [or all-male environment] do to create that environment of empathy?” he said.

Way said she recognized that empathy was the key to reforming the societal pressures on adolescent boys.

“We need a complete overhaul in our conception of human nature,” Way said. “What makes us human is our ability to connect with each other.”

—Staff writer Michelle M.  Hu can be reached at michellehu@college.harvard.edu.