A Parents' Weekend Conversation

This weekend, the College will be invaded by the nosy, embarrassing, and oh-so-lovable parents of the Class of 2012. Yes, it’s the long-awaited Junior Parents Weekend, when juniors are sure to get some free meals and plenty of free advice—while everyone else gets a headache from the old people speaking up in lecture and crowding the dining halls. In preparation for the impending arrival of your parentals, here are a few surefire conversation topics to turn to in times of need:

1. “No Mom, I swear that condom/bong/hooker is my roommate’s.”

2. “History of Art and Architecture concentrators get an incredible amount of job offers right out of college, Dad. For example, [prior research required for this topic].”

3. “So when I said girlfriend, I kinda meant boyfriend ....”

4. “When you flip the cup, the idea is to make it land upside down. Yes, I know this means some will spill. No, you can’t do it the other way. Yes, everyone is waiting on you. No, I don’t have a summer job lined up yet.”

5. “Why aren’t you rich or famous or both like everyone else’s parents?!”

6. “That book may look like it’s never been opened, but it’s actually just because I take such good care of my things. Knowledge is precious.”

7. “The dining hall’s going to be pretty crowded, we should probably just go out to eat. Well, we could go to [insert any restaurant that does not serve burritos, pizza, and/or hamburgers].”

8. “3.0 is the new 4.0.”

9. “Alright, let’s try this one more time. Facebook is a so-called social networking site where I can keep track of my friends. Yes, I do know that I can talk to them on the phone. Yes, I also know that identity theft is not a joke. Look Dad, a museum!”

10. “Ah yes, of course I remember the parents of my freshman-year roommate that I haven’t talked to in two years. Sure, I would love to go talk to them.”

BONUS (Not for Parents): Is your friend’s mom a tiger mom or cougar mom? Clearly no argument about which kind is better in this case.