CHAMPAGNE: André

Fact: André is the one who got the A in your Expos section. Fact: André took home that girl you stared at for two songs at the Spee last night. Fact: André has exploding offers from Goldman and McKinsey. Pop pop. Fact: André has two penises, and they’re both taking six classes this semester. Fact: André is considering going pro after college. Fact: (Peach) André will get you laid.

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