Try Out! The Real World

Like any good Harvard students, we had a dream—to be on reality television. And so last Saturday we headed to Allston for a meeting with destiny, or the MTV casting departments. It was time to stop being polite and start getting real.

12:45 p.m.—Stop at Doma. Gonna be a long day.

1:03—Get to Sunset Grill and Tap. Where is everyone?

1:03:30—Everyone is upstairs. They are tan.

1:20—Fill out questionnaire. Attempt to define relationships with parents in two lines. Regret the fact that we were never raised in abusive households. We are very boring.

1:40—Show our VIP passes to anybody passing by who looks important. All are unimpressed.

2:30—Still waiting. Is this a “Jersey Shore” casting? We add “judgmental” to the list of negative qualities on our questionnaires.

2:57—Ten minutes after receiving word that the line is short, two friends show up. They say they are not really into this, but are dressed very, very well. We feel self-conscious.

3:04—We strike up conversation with the future star of “Jersey Shore—Masshole Edition” (he has already filmed his audition tape)!  He tells us about his business plans, and we are 97 percent sure we are talking to the next Situation. When asked if he is gay, he responds, “I am with Jesus.” He lets us feel his muscles.

3:11—Standing in line talking to a guy who has auditioned seven times. He lives with his parents.

3:15—These are some strong drinks!! Chat with Australian girl at bar.

3:27—We get involved in what seems like a normal game of “Never Have I Ever.”

3:28—We are apparently in the big leagues now. The first question is, “Have you ever licked an asshole?” Everybody but us has done this. There is NO WAY we are getting cast on this show.

3:36—Australian girl has mysteriously lost her accent. Also, she is orange.

3:45—Success! Finally called in! We sit down with Emilee from “Real World Cancún.” Hey girl hey!

3:48—Introductions: “Say a common misconception about you.”

3:49—“People think I’m really stuck up because of the way I look and dress.” This girl is not dressed well.

3:50—“People think I’m really dumb, but I’m wicked into education.” She is a friend of that other girl.  No comment.

3:52—First question: “So, what do you think about cheating?”

3:53—One of our friends says she found out that her ex-boyfriend was cheating when she caught chlamydia from him. Nobody raises an eyebrow because these people have some crazy-ass stories. Neither of us knows what to say. One of us makes a Gossip Girl reference.

3:55—One girl in our audition says that relationships should end immediately once a person cheats. She then goes on to talk about her extensive cheating experience. She also has a professional headshot. This girl is ready for the house.

3:57—“My fiancée cheated on me last week with a club bouncer who later tried to choke me. We are still engaged.” We do not condone this.

3:58—One of these girls has broken up a marriage!

4:00—Next question: Sandra Bullock v. Jesse James. This is right up our alley. We go nuts.

4:02—Concluding remarks: “Say something interesting about yourself.”

4:03—“Fuck the police!” That one is SO getting cast.

4:04—The dumb girls only date international men. ¿¿En serio??

4:05—The girl who broke up a marriage is still a virgin?! We do not understand this.

4:07—We leave, fairly confident we will not get cast, but feeling pretty good about our lives.