Harvard Needs Books

Last week, Harvard students received an e-mail notifying them of the new opportunity to apply for borrowing privileges at several of MIT’s libraries. Correct us if we’re wrong, but this veritable “meeting of the minds” could lead to a whole lot more than book sharing. Honestly, it’s about time that these two prestigious institutions recognized the power they could possess if they joined forces—pooling everything in an effort to dominate the People’s Republic in which they currently battle for power. We expect that our access to these sacred stacks could very well open the door to a new era in history, where the joint force of MIT and Harvard would conquer first the local Cambridge domicile, then the slightly larger continental United States, and, eventually, the world in its entirety. They say knowledge is power, right?

This Harvard-MIT (Marvard? HIT?) partnership would clearly benefit both parties involved. For instance, we could party away in MIT’s marginally better social space! It’s not like those frats are currently getting much use, anyway—and Harvard would really be doing MIT a service by providing bodies to fill them up. On the subject of students Harvard could send over to MIT, we’re pretty sure that our ivy-covered institution would be willing to part with some of its female undergraduates to even out the gender ratio a little further down Mem Drive. MIT men would undoubtedly be thrilled—and Harvard girls have a better shot at some female-dominated social space over there (although they might miss shivering outside of final clubs as “gentlemen” give them the up-down). Overall, a win-win situation for all involved.

Although Harvard administrators would have probably declined to comment had we bothered to contact them, we feel confident that the University would graciously share some of its sports prowess, athleticism, and surplus “bro” culture with our neighbors down the way. In exchange, MIT could provide Harvard with a J-Term that is, well, more than just a “J-cation.” We could also benefit from MIT’s computer-nerd skills, which have clearly paid off in terms of the institution’s web design and e-mail interface. Maybe their technicians could take a crack at the Stone Age-style Faculty of Arts and Sciences account, which has been known to black out after more than 15 emails accrue in an inbox. In return for these benefits, Harvard could provide a team of artists to rethink the “jailbreak chic” aesthetic of MIT’s campus. At the very least, a bunch of Visual and Environmental Studies concentrators could paint red bricks and the weather-worn sheen of centuries onto the cold, drab stone. Finally, to seal the deal, Harvard could throw in some deodorant. They certainly could use it.

Lord Acton said that power corrupts and that absolute power corrupts absolutely. To that end, we eagerly anticipate the fruits of this merger. Mwahahahaha!

CORRECTION: June 14, 2010

An earlier version of the Apr. 21 opinion piece "Harvard Needs Books" stated that Machiavelli said that power corrupts and that absolute power corrupts absolutely. In fact, Lord Acton originated that quote.