15 Alternatives for River Run

Blocking drama got you down? Can’t wait to finally have things settled, gather all your Rubi-filled water bottles, and get your boat-burning drink on? Sorry young freshies, but with law enforcement stepped up for this year’s festivities, you might want to rethink those plans—you’re never going to get that Goldman internship with an arrest on your record. Lucky for you, FM has already come up with 15 ways to not get arrested (or 15 other ways to get arrested—we’re not quite sure) on Housing Day Eve.

1) Pond Run: Fresh Pond is only about two miles away. Doubtful there’ll be any security there.

2) Use your nearest river house bathtub: If you take enough shots and turn the lights off, you won’t even know the difference.

3) Teepee the Quad: Instead of appeasing the river gods, just piss off the Quad deities, and they won’t want you there anyway.

4) Blodgett Pool: You better have blocked with the swim team.

5) Morning River Run: The po-po should be gone by 6 a.m. Hide out in a bush ’til the coast is clear.

6) Quad Run: Oh wait—you’d have to take the shuttle to get there. Does it even run on Wednesday nights?

7) River Dance: Bring back the ’90s phenomenon and dance your way into Adams or Eliot.

8) Exploit your supernerd peers: Maybe they can invent something to make the boat drive itself to the river.

9) Dress up as a police officer: If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

10) Salvia: You don’t have to burn a boat; you are the boat.

11) Just drown your boat in alcohol: Alcohol solves all problems.

12) Launch it from the highest tower of Eliot: Let’s hope you’re blocking with the softball team.

13) Street walk: Slap some wheels on that boat and let it burn, baby, burn. Mill Street is parallel to the river, so it’s practically the same thing.

14) Kirkland Run: Run through the basement halls while shrieking the Kirkland Ode at the top of your lungs. Then pass out in the courtyard hammock hugging the Kirkland pups and dreaming of Secrect Santa Week.

15) YouTube: Worse comes to worst, open your computer to watch past River Run experiences and cry yourself to sleep while dreaming you were burning your boat.