Hotshots? More Like Waterboys

We originally pitched our idea for a special double issue of FM—two unrelated features; “15 Down and Out Professors,” and “15 Up and Coming Fat Chicks.” Through a series of clerical errors, we have the issue you read today.

Prestige and Mobility is all about unsung heroes, such as ourselves. We heroically detained rap mega-sensation Fabolous and managed to prevent him from attending Eleganza. Why, you ask? We are not at liberty to say, except for the fact that he had been infected with Swine Flu by the perverted designs of Registrar Barry S. Kane, who plotted to use the rapper’s magnetic persona and popular lyrics to give all four of Harvard’s hot girls a deadly disease.

But this issue is all about the professors. We’d like to take a moment and recognize some of our favorites for their hard work, determination, and University of Phoenix Online PhD’s.[1]

Sujoy Mukhopadhay: Everyone knows that TFs are more likely to hook up with you than actual professors. Sujoy Mukhopadhay, a bold and determined educator, shatters that stereotype. I mean, SHATTERS. Just make sure that the correct pronunciation of his last name isn’t your “safe word.”

Tobbias Ritter: His boyish good looks and affinity for pranks (who switched sodium hydrocloride with sodium hydroclorate?!!?) have earned him the title, “Ashton Kutcher of the Chemistry Department.” He still needs some work on his signature catchphrase, “You just got (chemical) burned!”

Adam Cohen: He’s “Assistant Professor of Chemistry AND Chemical Biology AND of Physics.” We’d like to tell you a parable, A-dumb, about a little boy who wore too many hats. He wore a fez, a sombrero, and a beret. No one liked him because he just couldn’t choose one hat, and insisted on always wearing all three, despite the fact that doing so was cumbersome and ostentatious. Soon, he had people of three different ethnicities beating him in the streets. Just keep that in mind, Adam. Keep that in mind.

Cassandra Extavour: According to her Web site, she specializes in “gamete production.” Oh really, Cassandra? We’ve mastered not only gamete production, but distribution and cleanup…and for some reason, no one’s rushing to put our name in FM. Women in sciences, eh? [twirl moustache here].

Gonzalo Giribet: The all-star of the Organismic and Evolutionary Biology Department. He made a name for himself studying obese women and their oversized tweety bird t-shirts, though he has yet to replicate his results outside of a Six Flags Theme Park. Keep on rollin’, Gonzalo. Tweet tweet! Recently, he pioneered his theory of “Hot Chicks and Their Assistants,” in which he posits that every hot chick has a noticeably less hot assistant, who helps her with doing all her hot chick stuff, busses her tray, and schedules appointments for potential suitors. Fieldwork in Adams dining hall is ongoing.

Alison Frank: We are withholding our opinion on her until we get a copy of her monograph, “Shemales in the Mist.” [2]

Joshua Greene: This darling of the psychology department tackles some of the hardest moral dilemmas humans face and investigates how emotions and “gut reactions” shape our moral sense. His current projects include answering the question, “Ought one feel remorse for ethnically cleansing a bag of gummi bears to leave the flavors one deems most delicious?” We also hear he’s collaborating with Gonzalo Giribet, applying the logic of hot chicks and their assistants to the classic trolley car problem. Tell us, Joshua, would you sacrifice five hot chick assistants to spare one hot chick? If so, who would assist that hot chick with all that stuff that only hot chicks do?

Timothy McCarthy: A lot of solid work lately. Keep it up, and one day you’ll get an abstract in THURJ.

Glenda Carpio: This scholar in the Af-Am and English Department has been working round the clock to fill in her Venn diagram of commonalities between Meg Ryan, Karl Malone, and Vinnie Chiappini. Hint, Glenda: It’s an affinity for John Stockton! Sound fundamentals AND short shorts? Who wouldn’t want to ‘pick and roll’ with him? [3]

Xiaofei Tian: A rising star in the East Asian Languages and Civilizations department, he has constantly worked to improve relations between the AAA [Asian American Association] and the AAA [Admirers of Asians Association], the latter composed exclusively of a blocking group in Dunster and every male CS concentrator. We here at FM fear these two groups might merge into one, soon creating tons of beautiful half Asian children that love solid Confucian values almost as much as they love the snappin’ melodies of Coldplay.



[1] The best way to ensure academic excellence is to demand it.



[2] So THAT’S where they’ve been!



[3] Kirby Puckett. That’s who. And maybe Greg Ostertag.