15 Questions with Alex Benzer ’93

by GULUS EMRE

He’s a Harvard grad with an M.D., a Master of Philosophy, and a certification in clinical hypnotherapy. But Alex Benzer ’93, author of “The Tao of Dating for Men” and “The Tao of Dating for Women”, just wants to help you find “the middle path.” FM chatted with Benzer about dating, dropping the H-bomb, and picking up the phone for Mom mid-makeout.



1.

Fifteen Minutes: What compelled you to write your books and articles about dating?

Alex Benzer: I was a pre-med tutor at Cabot House a few years ago, and I’d sit down with the students, have dinner with them, and one of the favorite topics of conversation was dating, and how little of it happens on the Harvard campus. I had gone and figured out some things and taken some classes and gathered some resources, so I thought “Harvard students, they’re exceptionally good at learning stuff that’s inside books!”



2.

FM: Why do you think that smart people are bad at dating? Shouldn’t we be good at it? We’re good at a lot of things.

AB: People in general are not very good at dating because it’s not a skill that’s taught, and very few parents actually spend time on this kind of thing...and yet it’s probably one of the most if not the most important aspects of life—connecting meaningfully to other human beings.



3.

FM: What do you think of the college hook-up culture?

AB: It’s important to do something and practice something in order to get better at it, and dating is no different. So you have to figure out what your preferences are, you have to figure out what the things are to say and what the behaviors are to really draw people into your life, and then have a basis upon which to make an informed judgment. So the drunken hook-up thing...eh. Perhaps not the best arena for developing that skill. But on the other hand, being a hermit is not the solution either.



4.

FM: The common perception is that when females say they go to Harvard, they are written off, whereas men are considered more attractive. In your opinion, why is that?

AB: As a man who went to Harvard, I can tell you it didn’t do a hell of a lot for my dating life. Generally, the H-bomb, when it’s dropped, tends to change the interaction in some way. But at the same time, consider it a blessing. If somebody disqualifies himself from the outset based on that, he probably wasn’t going to be a good choice in the first place. If he can’t handle your fabulousness, then phooey on him.



5.

FM: Can you rank the Ivies in terms of social awkwardness/inability to date normally?

AB: The less other stuff there is to do in town, the more you’re going to just sit around and drink and party, so I’m going to say Princeton probably had more fun than we did, just by virtue of being in Princeton, New Jersey. My impression is that Brown and Dartmouth also have a lot more fun just because it’s kind of the culture they’ve got. Harvard has a particular history of clamping down on anything resembling fun. But it’s gotten a lot better.



6.

FM: You were a biology concentrator at Harvard. What was your love life like?

AB: My love life as a Harvard student was pretty much non-existent. This is the problem with campuses like Harvard and other very high-achieving, high-strung campuses—it’s that people become devalued. A human being­—a friend, a girlfriend, a boyfriend—is number six or seven on the list of extracurriculars, if that. So if people are reading this, one thing I would encourage them to do is to really value those human connections.



7.

FM: How has your Harvardian background helped you in your profession, if at all?

AB: That certainly does help. Harvard is a recognized global brand, and a brand means a very small amount of information which stands in for a huge amount of information that is reliable. So all you lucky ducks at Harvard: well played.



8.

FM: You were a TF in a chemistry class. How is teaching chemistry like teaching dating?

AB: The first step is to reassure the students that “you can do this.” It’s not a big deal and it’s not difficult at all. I mean, let’s face it: if you’re sitting there right now, you are proof-positive that every single one of your ancestors, going back to Australopithecus down to the very first amoeba, they got it on, at least once, successfully, with somebody, so it can’t be that tough. The second step is to make it fun...if you give them strategies to make it fun and interesting such that they look forward to doing it instead of being afraid of doing it, then they’re going to have a lot more success.



9.

FM: What is the worst dating advice you have ever heard?

AB: This book called “The Rules” for women. Don’t touch it; just burn it. Anything that smacks of an absolute rule is not necessarily bound to serve you. You want to use your own best judgment according to every situation that arises. The principle is the middle path.



10.

FM: Feel free to decline answering this one: Do you have any personal dating horror stories that you would be willing to share?

AB: Oh absolutely...this is a piece of advice for the ladies: turn your cell phone off when you’re on a date. Picking up the phone right in the makeout zone and talking to mom, of all people, is the world’s most potent anti-aphrodisiac.



11.

FM: You’re also a hypnotherapist. What led you to pursue that profession?

AB: In med school they had a class entitled “Clinical Hypnotherapy,” and being of a scientific bent I thought I’m going to go in there and heckle these cats because this is a whole bunch of nonsense. So I go in there, and just listening to the guy, boom, I’m out in five minutes. So I’m like, okay, something’s up here. So I ended up taking the class.



12.

FM: How did your parents react to your switch from medical school to dating?

AB: I think my mom’s words were “My life has now ended.” But at the same time, she understands, and my dad has always been understanding.



13.

FM: You have a Master of Philosophy from Cambridge. Which Cambridge is better and why?

AB: You can’t really do much better than Boston. But Cambridge, England is an amazing place...I always say, Cambridge: surly people, inedible food, crappy weather, best year of my life.



14.

FM: What is the most rewarding aspect of helping people with relationships?

AB: For me, it’s just the gratification of seeing people apply the knowledge and get results...really, it’s about people getting back their personal power.



15.

FM: How can we nerds lead normal love lives and normal lives in general?

AB: It’s mostly about courage, just being willing to put yourself out there and try a couple of new things...meet lots of people, hang out with them, go out on dates, go to all the formals, and be willing to extend yourself and put yourself out there and ask people out. In parting words: don’t let the fact that you are smart and accomplished and intelligent become a handicap when it comes to relating to other people. You can learn from anybody. Just realize that the whole purpose of a relationship is for both of you to grow, and that’s possible in many, many contexts.