May We Stimulate Your Expansion?

We are sure you all read Our Queen Drew Faust’s concise 2,051 word e-mail last week, regarding the Allston expansion, allegations of an inappropriate relationship with Registrar Barry S. Kane, and the replacement of the Chinese “wang” statue in front of Boylston with bronzes of Prestige and Mobility writers Vinnie and Danny.

Although Our Queen Drew Faust may want to cut and run from Allston, our real president has urged us to stimulate the Obamaconomy and raise America’s GNH (Gross National Hope). We have an Obamananza of shovel-ready projects specifically for Allston that will address the real needs of Harvard undergraduates, as Prestige and Mobility have seen them since the Obamanauguration. Our Queen Drew Faust must heed the call of our Commander-in-Chief and take arms against custodial layoffs, Allston resident oppression, the lack of fresh orchids in the Faculty Club bathrooms, the Harvard Men’s Basketball season, and other activities detrimental to Hope.

1. Harvard must begin with its most shovel-ready projects: holes. For example, with China’s increasing prominence in global commerce, Harvard could benefit from having the only hole that would pass through the center of the earth to China. This measure would greatly boost Harvard’s primary source of income: Asian tourists. Additional diggers could make large holes camouflaged with leaves and twigs to catch Allston’s indigenous bears, which Harvard could then domesticate and train, producing the next generation of TFs and Dorm Crew captains.

2. Harvard can also use the Allston expansion to address Harvard students’ lack of social skills. The centerpiece would be the “Chiappini and Bilotti Memorial Dining Hall Etiquette Institute.” Bilotti has already volunteered to teach the introductory course, “How to Get a Slice of Freaking Pizza Without Holding Up the Whole Goddamn Line, Jabroni,” followed by the advanced course, “Seriously, Don’t Fish Out All the Shrimp From the Dishes That Have Shrimp.” Chiappini teaches the alternate introductory course, “It is Not Okay to Float In and Out of the Serving Line as You See Spaces Open Up.” All students will be required to take the capstone military history course, “The Gastrointestinal Campaigns of General Gao.”

3. A companion institute could address the conversational Groundhog Day that all Harvard undergraduates live in. This institute could rid Harvardians of the classic conversation crutches: summer plans, work complaints, sleep complaints, dining hall complaints, praise for the caring professionals at UHS, and what biddy Michael K. Jaskiw ’09, recruited Caltech athlete, is grillin’. [1] Instead, students will learn to try new topics by discussing two randomly drawn Apples to Apples cards. Conversation will certainly steam up when someone draws the green card “tasty” and the red card “Helen Keller.”

4. Harvard students have been clamoring for a bona fide student union since before integration! Now is the hour to feed the beast! Imagine a student union that is a blend of an amusement park and a twelve-year-old’s Jar Jar Binks-themed birthday party. Me-sa wants a big underwater rollie coastie. Imagine all-a the food-a being cotton candy and gummies shaped liked me-sa, Jar Jar Binks! Exskweeze me! Me-sa needing never-ending snow cone and a giant gumdroppa palace, but in this economic climate, I hardly believe it would be worth the long-term effect to our investment capital to build an underwater rollie coastie. O-kee day? [2]

5. Ahem, the problem with Harvard’s student body is that we have too many do-gooders and not enough projects for them. Enter the “Sisyphean Institute for Public Works”. Imagine one student group running a soup kitchen with a rival group training Business School students to steal soup. [3] The institute could fund one organization that teaches inmates to read and another that just teaches them how to find a study guide before the final. Remember, it doesn’t matter whether the projects are useful. We only need them to cost money and to start quickly.

6. Finally, Harvard can use the Allston expansion to return to its religious roots. We can meet students where they are right now, spiritually, by building the First Church of Speeism, founded on faith in Mammon. Of course, it would be non-denominational: all currencies would be welcome. Accompanied by techno hymns, new members would be baptized with hair gel and issued an EU passport. They would then ritually remove their undershirts and offer libations to the Almighty Moolah—while grinding with a drunk freshman.

Our Queen Drew Faust, now is your chance to make a great leap forward. We understand you are nervous about managing all of these enormous projects. However, we know one brave little Gungan who is up to this task. Uh oh, ME-SA BACK!



[1] Hint: It’s making Registrar Barry S. Kane very jealous.

[2] Dear Microsoft, Thank you for installing Jar Jar Binksian in Microsoft Word.

[3] Let’s do luuuuuuuuuuuunch.