Editor's Picks 2009

TOP FIVE MOST UNINTELLIGIBLE ROCK SONGS AND MY INTERPRETATION OF THEM

5. Pearl Jam, “Worldwide Suicide”

Featuring some of Eddie Vedder’s more articulate moments, this track cleanly comes in at number five for intelligibility. There’s an earthquake, and it makes Eddie want to kill himself, because apparently there are earthquakes everyday where he lives. Sucks to be him. So much so that he wants everyone else to die with him. Yeah, right Vedder. No one wants to join your cult of nasty facial hair and scraggly manes. Get some Nikes and sweet jumpsuits for us and maybe we’ll talk.

4. Pearl Jam, “Even Flow”

Of Eddie’s oeuvre, “Even Flow” is one of the most visionary and artistic. It opens with a radish head on a concrete pillow. That’s fucking poetry man. Then there’s something about chasing butterflies and a cavalcade of something or other that ultimately leads to rebirth. Can you feel it man? The beauty, the glow, the fucking badassery. Alright, in truth, the chorus is the only part I can even understand a little bit.

3. Pearl Jam, “Yellow Ledbetter”

Okay, here’s what I’m thinking: a big old beached whale wants to leave the beach again. A wizard comes to help. A coal miner empathizes. A local marine biologist, perhaps George Costanza, wants to take the whale home, but doesn’t know how to do it, as he isn’t interested in taking it in a box or a bag. Honestly, your guess is as good as mine. Check the YouTube “misheard” lyrics for a pretty astute play by play.

2. Pearl Jam, “Lukin”

WTF?????? I’m really winging this one, but Eddie Vedder holds up local farmer’s market “Lukin’s” while wearing a yarmulke in hopes of disguising himself. He suceeds?

1. Creedence Clearwater Revival, “Down on the Corner”

This song is certainly more intelligible than one or two of its forerunners, but I find it unconscionable to ever put Pearl Jam in the number one slot of a superlative list, unless it’s a list about bands have sucked the hardest for the longest. That said, I think CCR are talking about tricking or something. The title of the song is the tip off. They also talk about laying your money down on the corner, and how people come from all around to watch the magic whore. At least I think that’s what they say. All I can say for sure is that there is a dude named Happy Feet down there, and if that’s not a pimp’s name, I don’t know what is.

—Joshua J. Kearney is the outgoing Arts Chair. The first time he listened to Pearl Jam was after he read about them in Dennis Rodman’s “Bad As I Wanna Be,” so you can imagine how fraught his relationship with the band has been.

TOP FIVE SMASHING PUMPKINS MOMENTS OF 2009

It’s been almost a decade since the first Pumpkins break-up, and even longer since most fans gave up on them, yet somehow the original Pumpkins keep showing up in the news. Here are Corgan and Co.’s five shining moments of 2009.

5. James Iha joins supergroup Tinted Windows.

Taylor Hanson gives Iha competition for girliest-looking band member.

4. Billy Corgan fights at show with a fan who claims that the Pumpkins “no longer rock.”

According to Rolling Stone: “This prompted Corgan to bring a female audience member onstage and [he] referred to her as ‘James Iha,’ then asked the faux-Iha what she’s been up to.” Amazing. (This took place in late 2008, but I talked about it for two months so it still counts.)

3. D’arcy Wretzky randomly calls Chicago radio station.

The second-most-feminine Pumpkin talks about how Marilyn Manson’s parents kept dead rats in their freezer, among other amusing anecdotes.

2. Corgan dates Tila Tequila.

When I first saw the pictures, I just thought he and James Iha were buddies again.

1. The Pumpkins hire a 19-year-old Berklee College of Music student as new drummer.

“We just kind of jammed for about 15 minutes and then talked about Fugazi for the other 15 or so minutes.” Mike Byrne, I hate you. Also, James Iha looks like a girl.

—Jeffrey W. Feldman is the outgoing Music Editor and incoming Arts Chair. “Tales of a Scorched Earth: The Smashing Pumpkins Saga,” a 19-hour celebration of the Pumpkins’ discography, airs in the early mornings of December 16-18 on 95.3fm WHRB Cambridge.

BEST SONGS TO PUCK TO

When first elected to The Crimson Arts Board, I was asked for my favorite pick-up line. Ask me the same question now, and my answer is slightly, but significantly, different.

“Nice shoes. Wanna Puck?”

Now when I need a pick-me-up, I don’t turn to the pleasures of the flesh. Oh no. I turn to the pleasures of the pet. My pet. The world’s best. With rockin’ hair and an attitude, he’s the perfect incarnation of hip and hop. And to set the mood I turn on a few tunes that’ll make your nose twitch with the best of them. You know you want to.

5. Deerhoof: “Basketball Get Your Groove Back” - “Bunny jump! Bunny jump! Bunny! Bunny! Bunny jump!”

4. Sufjan Stevens - “Enjoy Your Rabbit”

3. Jefferson Airplane: “White Rabbit” - “And if you go chasing rabbits, and you know you’re going to fall, tell ‘em a hookah smoking caterpillar has given you the call.”

2. Animal Collective: “Who Could Win a Rabbit” - “Wabbit or habit, habit or real. Wabbit or habit, habit or real.”

1. Magnetic Fields: “Let’s Pretend We’re Bunny Rabbits” - “Let’s do it all day long. Rapidly becoming rabid. Singing little rabbit songs.”

—Beryl C.D. Lipton is the outgoing Arts Chair. She doesn’t really get why you guys are always making fun of furries.

TOP FIVE MOST AGGRESSIVELY BORING ARTIFACTS OF 2009

Some things are simply boring; others thrust their boredom upon us. The following is a list of the latter.

5. Health Care Reform

Is this still going on? How could the most important legislative move in 30 years be as boring as the last Toni Morrison novel? It sounded like the part about “death panels” could’ve been cool, but apparently that was made up... Or was it? It was.

4. Dave Eggers

If the least boring thing you managed to do in 2009 was a screen adaptation for a children’s book, and the second least boring thing you managed to do was write a novel, you’re walking the fine line between boring and criminally untalented. But we’ll err on the side of boring.

3. Celebrity deaths

Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett and Patrick Swayze? Yeah, I was sad when they died... in 1997, 1989 and whenever.

2. Lady Gaga

Hedonism! Sexual ambiguity! Synthesizers! Is this disco? I’m bored.

1. Vampires

“Yeah, uh, I’m a society that wants to come to grips with the concept of ‘the other,’ but I’m not really interested in any of its interesting implications. I was thinking more, like, brooding sexual repression... Is there a series of books or movies based on those books that I could consume?” Bwoard! I’m so bwoard! Blahahaha!

—Ryan J. Meehan in the outgoing Books Editor and the incoming Arts Couch.

HARVARD’S TOP FIVE ARCHITECTURAL MONSTROSITIES

5. Holyoke Center

The home of Harvard’s bureaucracy and UHS, the Holyoke Center boasts an outward appearance as unpleasant as the experiences one can have inside it. This was Spanish modernist architect Josep Lluís Sert’s first contribution to Harvard, and one can only wish he had stopped there. Sadly, he didn’t, and his buildings populate 3/5 of this list.

4. Memorial Hall

Contrary to popular belief, Harvard’s taste for architectural monstrosities did not begin in the 1950s and ’60s. As early as 1865, Harvard was beginning construction on its most ostentatious and out-of-place building: Memorial Hall. While it is undeniably impressive on the inside—Annenberg’s resemblance to Hogwarts has probably added a couple of percentage points to the admissions yield—the exterior’s streaky bacon color scheme and remarkably ugly tower set it apart as an eyesore. Gothic arches this dramatic might have looked great in 13th century France, but with no softening contemporary features, they don’t work here.

3. Statue outside Boylston Hall

Statues may not really be architecture, but when they’re this big and obnoxious it’s fair to consider them as such. Except that this isn’t a statue. It’s a giant phallus. A 13.5 foot tall, 70-year-old phallus. Good for inappropriate pictures, not so good for architecture.

2. Peabody Terrace

Peabody Terrace’s greatest contribution to the campus’ architecture may be that it achieves the impossible: it makes its neighbor, Mather, look attractive. Sert’s graduate student housing complex, built in 1964, may have been lauded for its innovative combination of building size and community-oriented design, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is oppressively ugly. The concrete towers and multi-colored metal shutters on the river-side windows seem to go out of their way to ruin what is otherwise an impressive set of buildings and, unfortunately, they succeed.

1. Science Center

Undoubtedly the pinnacle of Harvard’s architectural missteps, the Science Center lurks just outside the Yard, completely at odds with its red brick surroundings. Of course variety is welcome, but not when it looks like this. Sert supposedly took the shape of a camera as his inspiration for the design. Cameras in the 60s certainly looked very different to today, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t look like this. My suggestion: Knock it down and rebuild it in the shape of a sleek modern camera. Imagine the giant digital screen. Amazing.

—Chris R. Kingston is the outgoing Campus Arts Editor. He actually thinks the Carpenter Center is kind of cool.

TOP 5 ACTUAL ANIMAL COLLECTIVES

5. A pandemonium of parrots

4. A superfluity of nuns (the people)

3. A singular of boars

2. A woop of gorillas

1. An ugly of walruses

—Denise J. Xu ’11 is an outgoing Campus Arts editor. A baby platypus is a puggle.

TOP 5 REALITY TV HEAD-SCRATCHERS

Most of my time at The Crimson has consisted of writing reviews in exchange for playing cookie monster with free press tickets. B-town offers much in the way of aesthetic refinement, but all that classiness does get old after a while. Do it one too many times, and you find yourself short on plus-ones to the ballet.

On the other hand, you’ll never find drama—the unapologetically trashy, the outrageously juicy, and the halfhearted in-between—on the clearance rack. I’ll admit I’m hooked on it, but you probably are too; you just don’t know it yet.

So, here are the top five reality TV head-scratchers and WTF’s of this year:

5. Keeping up with the Kardashians

After a whirlwind singles stint in Miami (the radio show was nice, but bringing coke to work was not), Khloe Kardashian decides to give up the “drinking all-day” and “playing all-night” to settle down with Lamar Odom of the LA Lakers. Khloe, I gotta say, your wedding was cute—especially the part where Bruce got mad about your nine-day engagement, and then Kris got mad at him for screaming at you, and then Rob got mad at her for leaving Bruce out, and then you got mad at Rob for hesitating about walking you down the aisle, and then Kim said something like she always does, and then Bruce came around and cried.

Nice guest list too. It was heartwarming to see Phil and Kobe hanging out before the ceremony. I think I blinked and saw a just-supraliminal flash of O.J., but let’s just pretend I didn’t.

4. My Antonio

Poor Autumn, the NASA researcher/Princeton alum. Not only do you have to compete with Botox-happy Christi and sweet, but desperate, cougar Tully, but Antonio thinks going to an Ivy prevented you from learning about “life!” Girl go back and get a Ph.D.—maybe then you’ll be able to match Antonio’s ravishing intellect. Fat chance, though. Brooke wrote her own

“love contract” for him, so unless you have some kind of pre-date pre-nup drafted, perhaps Houston is the better man for you.

3. Who wants to work for Diddy?

No one wants to work for Diddy. Diddy, go home. You’re trying too hard.

2. Tabatha’s Salon Takeover

If you know what I’m talking about, props to you for following Shear Genius all the way to its spin-off death. Perhaps observing the intricacies of hair cutting onscreen has taught you to recognize that La Flamme is where you go for assisted suicide. Watching this twice is also marginally understandable—once in awhile Harvard FML is slow to load, and, I mean, you have to look at something in the meantime, right? Dear devoted Tabatha fan and weekly viewer—buddy, you are so on your own that you should feel special in the worst way possible.

1. Real Housewives of D.C.

There’s a D.C. “Housewives?” Hell yeah. In fact, soon-to-be D.C. housewife Michaele Salahi got some great pub for the show last week with a super classy visit to the White House state dinner. I know it’s hard to follow the table flipping and stripper accusations of New Jersey or the spray-on tan recession woes of Orange County, but this girl really brought it. Meeting Obama is consequential. Being on the guest list and not freaking out the nation is not. Secret Service, you need to work on your bad boy rep after the press is done with you.

—Monica S. Liu is an incoming Campus Arts editor. She recommends you don’t ever try sushi plus iced fraps with extra shots of hazelnut from Lamont Cafe, or swallowing airborne tablets whole to save water for that matter.

TOP 5 PLACES TO PICK UP A HIPSTER

Who says you have to wait until Valentine’s Day for love? While the winter festivities tend to spread merriness all around, it might be a bit more difficult to get into the holiday spirit if you’re single. So if you’re itching to shake off the winter blues, cozy up to my picks for the best places to find your hipster soul mate. Looks like finding love at Harvard doesn’t have to be a Christmas miracle after all.

5. Herrell’s

While this establishment has since met its sad demise at the hands of the corporate machine, you might still be able to spot a plaid shirt and skinny jean-clad hipster or two roaming along Dunster Street. Be a sweetheart and treat him to a cone from J.P. Licks.

4. Crema Café

The next time you’re here, forget about bringing along cash. Bring a credit card to splurge a little on $10 worth of drinks and baked goods, because we all know that hipsters love their fair trade coffee and organic pastries.

3. The Gato Rojo

You know that place everyone knows about but has never actually been to? With its exotic allure and underground mystique, you’re bound to bump into some of the best Harvard has to offer—from undergraduate VES concentrators to GSD students, this is where the artsiest of the artsy congregate.

2. Veggie Planet

You know you’ve picked the right hipster when he’ll be good for your heart in more ways than one. Surely a guaranteed relief from any heartbreak caused by cholesterol clogged arteries.

1. Harvard Farmer’s Market

Come on, it’s not like you actually go there to do grocery shopping in the first place.

—Eunice Y. Kim is an incoming Campus Arts editor. She’s almost completely sure she knows where The Gato Rojo is.

TOP 5 MUSICALS THAT SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN

5. “Joint Custody: The Jon and Kate Story”

Damaged romance and a tale rife with disappointment and anguish? Though it sounds like the makings of a great Stephen Sondheim musical, hopefully this reality television breakup will never make it to the stage. The fascination with this dysfunctional duo continues to mystify, although their eight offspring would admittedly be the most adorable singing brood to hit the theater since the Von Trapp children.

4. “Swine Flu: The Musical”

While the AIDS crisis inspired such heartrending and significant shows as “Angels in America” and “Rent,” what would a swine flu production have to offer? Poorly crafted pig jokes? Swine flu should be turned into a musical when pigs fly.

3. “Just Dance”

The next “Mamma Mia!,” only less Swedish and more sparkly. A jukebox musical inspired by Lady Gaga’s oeuvre would have audiences dancing in the aisles—and leaving the theater completely horrified. A three minute Lady Gaga award show performance alone is enough to inspire shock and awe. Imagine two hours of fake blood, bizarre costumes, and over-the-top stunts. Even Boy George’s “Taboo” would look tame by comparison.

2. “Twilight: The Musical”

It’s bad enough that this is a movie. Or even a book, for that matter. “Twilight” has already sucked enough life out of pop culture; let’s keep Edward and Bella in as few incarnations as possible, please.

1. “McLeod/Hysen”

The thrilling tale of an Undergraduate Council election gone wrong, “McLeod/Hysen” would have all the political drama of the 2006 play “Frost/Nixon” with none of the real-world importance. The Election Commission could sing a power anthem such as “Do You Hear the People Sing?” from “Les Misérables,” while UC Vice President Kia J. McLeod ’10 might perform a heartfelt rendition of “On My Own.” It would close after opening night because, really, nobody cares.

—Ali R. Leskowitz ’11 is an incoming Campus Arts editor. She was not cast as a Munchkin in “The Wizard of Oz” in middle school, crushing her dreams of Broadway stardom forever.

HIGHER ORDER PROCRASTINATION TECHNIQUES LEARNED IN 2009

The reading period that begins today is the shortest in recent memory, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be wasting any less time lurking on Gchat, perusing your favorite blogs, stalking your section crush on Facebook, or watching whole seasons of TV shows on DVD. In the interest of enlivening your procrastination routine, it’s important to periodically discover new and more mindless diversions. So the next time you’re enduring the agonizing 72 minutes before you can treat yourself to more Megavideo, try a few of these on for size:

5. Unearthing your old Livejournal or Xanga account

Nothing is more heartwarming and humiliating than rediscovering a time when your most pressing problems were being grounded for the weekend and not getting tickets to the Bright Eyes concert.

4. Typing tests

While not quite as fun as the elementary school programs on which you first learned to type (I’m lookin’ at you, Mario Teaches Typing), online typing tests are surprisingly addictive. As you near a landmark personal record (mine is 100 words per minute), the drive only increases. This is also the only item on the list that could conceivably aid you in your schoolwork.

3. Thinking of famous people who resemble your friends

Did you know that members of the Arts board resemble Frank O’Hara, Bud Cort in “Harold and Maude,” and young Bob Dylan? Try to guess which ones!

2. Using the Search by Concentration feature on Harvard College Facebook to find the most and least attractive majors.

Though fairly self-explanatory, this one can have some unexpected results. Now that the new sophomores have declared their concentrations, who knows what field of study is dreamiest! Try not to let the Image-Not-Available’s get you down. Those people are the worst.

1. The Hollywood Hair Virtual Makeover on Instyle.com

It would be imprudent to reveal the amount of time I have spent using this interactive feature, which allows you to upload a photo of yourself and test out a range of celebrity haircuts. The name is slightly misleading because you also have the power to do many other crazy things like thin your eyebrows by infinitesimal degrees, preview colored contact lenses, and sample hundreds of different cosmetics, each of which corresponds to a real-life product with the price and purchasing information right there on the page. What started as a serious endeavor to see what I’d look like with a pixie cut has now become an ambitious project: to outfit all my blockmates in Lady Gaga hair. Don’t tell; it’s their Christmas present!

—Jessica R. Henderson is the outgoing Movies Editor. Before she met her boyfriend, he had a rattail.

GREEN IS THE NEW CRIMSON: THE DECADE’S BEST RECYCLED MUSIC

At the dawn of the new decade, with all its ominous environmental challenges, now is the time to honor those musicians who have publicly gone green. In a world that grasps greedily at resources of rapidly diminishing quality, fourteen artists produced ten fascinating new tracks with 50-100% post-consumer material. They are the green imps who have stood on the shoulders of giants—and, by Gore, have they seen further! This is pure outshining gold.

1. Puff Daddy, Faith Evans, and 112, “I’ll Be Missing You”

Remix of “Adagio for Strings” by Samuel Barber, “Every Breath You Take” by the Police and the American spiritual “I’ll Fly Away”

2. Israel Kamakawiwo’ole, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”

Remix of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by Judy Garland, Harold Arlen and E. Y. Harburg and “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong

3. Eminem, “Sing for the Moment”

Remix of “Sing for the Moment” by Aerosmith

4. Anya Marina, “Whatever You Like”

Cover of T.I.

5. Amy Winehouse, “Tears Dry On Their Own”

Remix of “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by the Temptations

6. Jay-Z feat. Linkin Park, “Encore”

Remix of “Numb” by Linkin Park

7. KiD CuDi, “Make Her Say”

Remix of “Poker Face” by Lady GaGa

8. Gary Jules, “Mad World”

Cover of Tears for Fears

9. Dizzee Rascal, “That’s Not My Name”

Cover of the Ting Tings

10. Nouvelle Vague, “Dancing with Myself”

Cover of Billy Idol

—Antonia M.R. Peacocke is the incoming Covers editor. Cross her and she’ll recycle your face.

THE BIGGEST LIES THEY TOLD US THIS DECADE

5. Sudoku was fun.

Just read the description: Sudoku - combinatorial number-placement puzzle in which the objective is to fill a 9×9 grid with digits so that each column, each row, and each of the nine 3×3 sub-grids that compose the grid (also called “boxes,” “blocks,” “regions,” or “sub-squares”) contains all of the digits from 1 to 9. Need I say more?

4. Nipplegate: It was a “wardrobe malfunction.”

Justin Timberlake sings in “Pose,” “It’s time to expose and break off the roles now take off your clothes, get real close up to the light, and do that thing, show you’re right,” or if you’d prefer to keep your clothes on, he’ll just pull them right off for you. Sorry Janet, should have seen it coming.

3. There are weapons of mass destruction

Still waiting, Bush...

2. Miss South Carolina was just nervous.

No, she was just stupid.

1. Sarah Palin is qualified for office

Explaining why Alaska’s proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience, she said in an interview with CBS, “As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where—where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border.” Thanks Sarah.

—Ama R. Francis is the outgoing Covers Editor. She’ll cover for you.

FOUR TERRIBLE MOVIES MADE BY GREAT DIRECTORS

Anyone who spent their hard-earned money to see director Ron Howard’s “Angels And Demons” this past summer knows too well that even acclaimed directors can produce worthless trash from time to time. Here is a list of the top terrible movies made by usually great directors.

4. Piranha II: The Spawning (1981) - Dir. James Cameron

The vast majority of filmgoers flocking to theaters this winter to experience the promised eye-raping of “Avatar” likely have not experienced the utter shittiness of James Cameron’s feature-length directorial debut, the delightfully ridiculous horror sequel “Piranha II: The Spawning.” For just a taste of the madness, head to Wikipedia and check out the film’s Italian poster. Yep, those are flying predatory fish chasing down voluptuous beachgoers.

3. Caché (2005) - Dir. Michael Haneke

Many critics hailed French-language film “Caché” as a masterpiece of suspense cinema—a still from the film of Juliette Binoche and her onscreen husband Daniel Auteuil lovingly adorns the textbook foisted on all students taking Visual and Environmental Studies 70: “The Art of Film.” I have a theory, however, that those who praised the movie were simply trying to mask their incomprehension at the never-ending shots of the same nondescript house. Not that it’s their fault; it’s debatable whether there’s anything in the film that can be understood. Haneke’s pretension works in many of his other films, most notably his remake of “Funny Games,” but “Caché” is the worst example of indulgent art for art’s sake.

2. Panic Room (2002) - Dir. David Fincher

When a film’s opening credits are its sole distinctive feature, the movie can’t be all that great. Directly following his masterful cult classic, “Fight Club,” Fincher’s fifth feature was more disappointing than even his ill-fated “Alien 3.” While trailers promised a tense and harrowing thriller, viewers were instead treated to a pre-Twilight Kristen Stewart hyperventilating alongside a whiny Jared Leto with a gun in hand.

1. Planet Of The Apes (2001) - Dir. Tim Burton

Summer is clearly the most dangerous season for an acclaimed director. Burton’s characteristically beautiful costumes and set design remain, but all the style in the world couldn’t save this remarkably unnecessary remake—seemingly written by a studio hack who first identified the original film’s strengths and then thought hard about creative ways to make them much, much worse. In addition, I will gladly offer $30 to anyone who can cogently explain this film’s ending. Emphasis on “cogently.”

—Bram A. Strochlic is the incoming Movies Editor. His Bar Mitzvah was movie-themed.

TOP FIVE WAYS WE IMAGINE THE WORLD MIGHT END

5. Invasion from Space.

Bad News: These aliens might not be looking for Reece’s Pieces.

Good News: With the exception of Scientologists, there aren’t a whole lot of people who think this will actually happen.

4. The Mayan Apocalypse in 2012

Bad News: Although current seniors, juniors, and sophomores will manage to graduate before the end of the world, the class of 2013 is going to miss out. Sorry, freshmen, but at least you don’t have to worry about post-grad plans.

Good News: According to our best estimates, John Cusack and Amanda Peet might survive.

3. Global Pandemic

Bad News: Who knows which epidemic will catch us first? Swine Flu? Avian Flu? Does anyone remember SARS?

Good News: At least Professor Nicholas Christakis will get a chance to finish studying the relationship between social networks and the spread of contagious diseases. For a while, at least.

2. Zombie Apocalypse

Bad News: According to “28 Days Later,” a global pandemic and a zombie apocalypse are not mutually exclusive.

Good News: More target practice for Sarah Palin!

1. Global Warming

Bad News: This one might actually happen.

Good News: Hopefully, with the help of energy-saving light bulbs and vegetarian followers of Jonathon Safran-Foer, we can hold it off until we’ve invented cute robots like Wall-E who will eventually help us repopulate our destitute planet.

—Rachel A. Burns is the incoming Books Editor. She likes happy endings.

TOP EIGHT THINGS THAT SHOULD HAVE DIED THIS YEAR INSTEAD OF MICHAEL JACKSON (SORRY, TOO SOON?)

1. Megavideo Bans

While I acknowledge that most of my productivity occurs during the 56 minute Megavideo bans, I still can’t get over how annoying it is.

2. Farmville

Really? How old are we?

3. Vampires

Okay I know they are already dead, but I’m pretty sure there is still a way.

4. Kanye West’s Ego

Not only is he annoying, but now I’m forced to endure endless strings of “Imma let you finish” jokes.

5. Snuggies

Okay, I guess I just sort of secretly want one and am upset I didn’t get one for my birthday.

6. Twitter

ErikaPierson is writing her top 5 list. ErikaPierson is at The Crimson. ErikaPierson is celebrating the end of classes with a trip to Berryline. Did you care about any of that? Didn’t think so.

7. Party in the U.S.A.

I want to hate this so badly, but when it comes on I just can’t help but move my hips like yeah.

8. My parents trying to friend me on Facebook

Or my friends’ parents trying to friend me on Facebook. Uncomfortable.

—Erika P. Pierson is the incoming Columns Editor. She’s funnied out.

TOP FIVE CRIMSON ARTS VANITY LISTS OF 2009

5. Erika Pierson, “Top 8 Things That Should Have Died Instead of Michael Jackson”

Because it’s never too soon.

4. Bram Strochlic, “Bad Movies by Good Directors”

Someone has to keep them honest.

3. Eunice Kim, “Top 5 Places to Pick Up a Hipster”

She gets bonus points for not including arts meetings.

2. Ryan Meehan, “Top 5 Most Aggressively Boring Artifacts of 2009”

Meehan goes meta with a list that belongs at the top of itself.

1. Beryl Lipton, “Best Songs to Puck To”

Because I’d like to be at the top of HER list.

—Mark A. VanMiddlesworth is the outgoing Columns and Online Editor. He is an 8.