Couple's Counseling is Traumatizing

In an environment where academics takes center stage, thesis writing and response papers can sometimes become the be-all and end-all of Harvard life. Relationships that could flourish in more favorable climates have the tendency to wither and die in the harsh Cambridge cold unless couples share plenty of quality time in the stacks—working together. On problem sets.

Luckily for all the dysfunctional pairs out there, Harvard’s got your back, even while it’s kicking your ass. The Bureau of Study Counsel, aware that students are generally more interested in getting A’s than getting some, offers free couple’s counseling to undergraduates. So, for the sake of everyone whose intimate time involves more make-up sex than making love, FM sent its token faux amorous couple to duke it out with the help of a certified referee.

The problem: She’s into Shakespeare—like, more than friends. He’s into dicking around with his blockmates—who hate her, or rather the disruptive nature of squeeky bedsprings at all hours of the day (except during lecture) and girls who don’t clean up their toys. She wants to play Othello and Desdemona. He wants to play stockbroker and naughty school girl—the kind that skips section and doesn’t do the reading.

Hesitant to talk about the only thing they had going for them—hot, steamy, frequent, dirty, creative, unabashedly loud and often public sex—the counselor seemed to think they had nothing in common. Different concentrations? Different career goals? Different Houses? No chance.

The advice: Break up. Seriously. Maybe not immediately, but definitely—definitely—before thesis time.

Couples that thrive in the bedroom, the party scene or relaxing (work-free) downtime are all well and good, but at Harvard, “not enough common ground” tends to mean one thing: different academic interests, and a future haunted by tears, wine, and I Will Survive playing on repeat.