WALLY'S WORLD: Time to Unleash Crimson Dragon

Last year, South Park concluded its 11th season with a three-part epic dubbed “Imaginationland.”

Imagination, I-maaa-ginnn-ay-tion, Ima-gi-naaaaaaa-tion! That’s the special Imaginationland song, btw.

I love imagination, and I loved this episode. I love to imagine about dragons, and gumdrop forests, and the Cubs one day winning the World Series.

Oh, how ridiculous I am!

Wait a second. Do my eyes deceive me? It looks a little foggy, but no, it’s really apparent, if you look it’s not so foggy at all, it’s really clear, oh, no, look at this: Harvard’s fall sports’ teams are surpassing our wildest imaginations.

Look at the records. Football is 5-1, and its only blemish came in a rain-soaked, ugly game that it should have won.

With a little help from those stinky, stuper-ruper Bears over in Rhode Island (help in the form of stinking it up, like it usually does) the Crimson could run the table and win the Ivy title.

Last weekend, men’s soccer improved to 8-3 this season, 4-0 in the Ancient Eight. It disposed of No. 24 Brown 4-1 last Saturday, and during its current five-game winning streak, it has outscored its opponents 12-1. Let me say that again, 90 percent of the time. Wait, I mean, 12-1.

And the leader of this effort has been a freshman keeper Austin Harms, who in five games, has gone 5-0 and posted four, count ‘em, four shutouts.

Finally, the surprise of this fall season has been on the women’s side, as the Crimson women’s soccer team is in first place in the Ivies after taking it to No. 20 Princeton, on the Tigers’ home field, beating Princeton 2-1 on Saturday.

Freshman Melanie Baskind is pouring in goals, sophomore Katherine Sheeleigh does everything up top, and the combination of junior keepers Lauren Mann and Laura Dale has been fantastic in net.

So, what does it all mean?

Do my eyes deceive me, or do we have the possibility of seeing an Ivy three-peat, a perfecta trifecta, a…something else that’s really awesome involving three?

In honor of Eric Cartman, I offer my predictions for the end of the season. Bear in mind: just like Cheng Ho, my imagination may just run wild.

FOOTBALL, OR THE GREATEST BUTT-KICKING OF THE GAME EVER

I was at the Yale Bowl in 2005, as a wiper snapper, young Harvard freshman. Yes, I was 15 pounds lighter, yes, I peed on the walkway while walking in, and yes, I narrowly avoided a security guards attempted tackle to storm the field.

But I didn’t see the greatest butt kicking of the Game ever. I saw, in that three overtime, epic affair, the greatest playing of the Game ever.

I would never know it, but even last year, I didn’t see the greatest thrashing, and we beat the Yalies 37-6. That’s like, really bad. Like, imagine if I got 37 pieces of candy on Halloween, and some kid named Eli got six pieces of candy. Oh man, I’d so get him. He’d be so done, just the laughing stock of every kid in school. Man, what a lame-zoid.

But the greatest butt kicking was still to come.

It was going to happen—in the future. The next year. At Harvard Stadium. Right now. In three weeks. Coming right up. Hello, you’re about to be done.

This year, the Yalies come to Harvard Stadium, line up for the opening kickoff, and then the team sees the crowd, sees our daunting squad, and sizes up its odds. Then, they all poop their pants. Ewwwwww! The second-squad comes on, and they poop their pants!

So the freshman team comes and plays us, and after five minutes, we are up 100-0. They call it! They call it! Game over! Yalies are sooooo pissed everywhere, and they go and cry all the way home back to the crappiest place on the planet: New Haven.

MEN’S SOCCER AND WOMEN’S SOCCER, OR, DRAGON TIME

After back-to-back victories for both teams, they clinch dual Ivy championships.

The two squads roll through the competition in its first rounds, making mincemeat of squads like Duke, and Maryland, and Stanford.

Both teams come to the final, and face North Carolina on the women’s side and Virginia on the men’s side.

These are the two best teams in the history of women’s and men’s collegiate soccer, respectively.

But the Crimson looks to take them down. Midway through the matches, played on different times and in different places, the scores are both 1-0, in favor of Harvard. Then, my best friend, Dragon, who, ironically, is actually a dragon, storms through the field to distract the UNC and UVA teams.

“What’s going on,” they cry. “Oh, crap, that’s a freaking dragon,” they yelp.

The Crimson is unfazed, as the squads love dragons. They each rack up ten goals to conclude the games with 11-0 wins. Two Ivy titles now become two NCAA titles, the first in Crimson history.

And it’s all thanks to my best dragon friend. Or, it’s all just a figment of my imagination.

p.s. Dragons are real.

—Staff writer Walter E. Howell can be reached at wehowell@fas.harvard.edu.