OCS Counseling Session for Souls

The Office of Career Services, personal counseling session.

Counselor: Well hello! Welcome to OCS. I’m glad you’ve come in by now; you’re starting a little bit late, but January of your first year is still a fine time to figure out what financial institution you’re going to work for.

Wait, what? You’re a sophomore. (The counselor looks worried.) Oh dear. Well. I see. I...I’m sorry, I have to take a moment to collect myself. (Drinks deeply from a J.P. Morgan Nalgene bottle). Whew. Okay, here we go.

Now, let me look at your resume. It seems that last summer, you did something called “WorldTeach.” I don’t suppose that was a bank of some sort? (You shake your head.) Strategy consulting firm? (You shake your head.) Oh, I see, it’s one of those save-the-world, en-gee-oh things all the kids want to work for before they end up working for Goldman. I assume you started this organization?

(Incredulous, you shake your head.)

(Angrily) Look, you’re not giving me much to work with here. This is your future, OK? Not mine. I have plenty of students who are ready and willing to use the embarrassment of riches we provide for future financiers. Now, let’s get down to business. And by business, I mean finding you a career in business.

You’ll want to start applying to jobs through eRecruiting. Model your cover letter and resume on those in the booklets we provide. Each is from a student who is fluent in several currently useful languages, who already has an excellent job, and who was just writing resumes and cover letters for fun. Every one will leave you convinced that you are unemployable, and will make you slightly guilty about breathing the same air as the fine employees of McKinsey & Company.

You don’t seem excited. Maybe we should go to square one. Just to make sure, you are looking for a lucrative job in the private sector, right? No? Not the...the public sector?

(Several moments of tense silence pass.)

Get the fuck out.