The Condemned

What do you get when you put tough guys played by former World Wrestling Entertainment champion “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones of “Snatch,” and eight other death row criminals on a deserted island with cameras watching their every move? “The Condemned,” an action-packed adrenaline rush of a movie with enough bombs and gore to satiate the audience’s needs—assuming the audience is your average American male youth, thirsty for the return of Stone Cold and epic violence.

In the film, 10 death row convicts from across the world are “purchased” by an aspiring Internet entrepreneur and dropped on a deserted island. Their goal: be the last one standing. The sole survivor earns his (or her) freedom from prison. Meanwhile, the corrupt producer films every second and broadcasts it live over the Internet with hopes of reaching Super Bowl numbers­—40 million viewers. Throw in a random love story between Austin and a way-too-hot-to-be-real divorced mom, some clueless FBI agents, and you basically have the entire plotline and an extremely implausible film.

Not that all viewers will be disappointed. Many people want to see Steve Austin take on the world one convict and Internet exploiter at a time, and I don’t blame them. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger or the Rock, Austin is trying to break into the action hero niche that ex-wrestlers and body-builders seem to fall into after their initial career plateaus. Austin is not a man of many words in the film, but when he does speak, the other characters listen—mostly due to his expert attack moves.

What does irk me is that instead of letting the film simply be the adventure that it is—113 minutes of Stone Cold takin’ names and kickin’ ass—director Scott Wiper attempts to add depth and symbolism to film as well. Unfortunately, “Condemned” moves beyond the audience reliving the glory days of the WWE and focuses on serious issues. Wiper muses over the abuse of the media, the government’s disregard of loyal soldiers, and why it is human nature to watch violence.

If Wiper added these themes to broaden the appeal of the film, he made a grave mistake. In complicating a once forgivably undeveloped and unrealistic plot, he exposes the film’s ridiculous holes and obvious weaknesses. For a film to accomplish such depth, it must provide at least some basis of reality. Does Wiper really expect his audience to believe that the FBI couldn’t find the island the prisoners were fighting on to rescue the American convicts?

You cannot teach such deep lessons in a film without developing a plot, providing round characters, and actually making sense. Otherwise, everything feels forced and stupid.

No matter what Wiper throws in to make his film more than the average action flick, the film’s core audience will not focus on social commentary—they will focus on the fact that Steve Austin is the man.

Don’t waste your money unless you like to watch some serious butt-whoopin’.