Abstinence: A Choice for Some, A Reality for Others

Stephanie J. Brinton ’10 and Lindsey M. Parker ’10 are the kind of made-for-each-other couple that inspires equal parts exasperation and admiration from their single peers. A boyfriend and girlfriend matched in height and sunny dispositions, they demonstrate a discreet, natural sort of affection in public—often trading conspiratorial smiles or finishing each other’s sentences.

And they are always together.

Despite their busy academic and extracurricular schedules, the couple has seen each other almost every day since they first met on Newbury Street last October, and enjoy at least one quality date in Boston each weekend.

They play racquetball together, study together, and spend hours engaged in conversation together.

But there is one thing that this couple have decided not to do together. Brinton and Parker have vowed not to have sex until marriage.

HOLDING OFF ON HOOKING-UP

On a campus in which many students complain of a woeful dearth of sexual activity, there is an increasingly vocal population of students choosing to opt out of what they call Harvard’s hook-up culture. Over 100 of these abstinent students make up the student group, True Love Revolution (TRL), which has garnered campus and national media attention, not all of it positive, for its mission of abstinence.

While many of these abstinent students are religious—like Parker and Brinton, who are both Mormon—most of them cite secular reasons for not wanting to have sex. Many mention the possibility that sex could hurt the emotional aspects of a college relationship, and others say they believe that sex is meant to be an expression of a life-long commitment, a commitment they are not ready to make.

Jordan C. Baehr ’08, for example, identifies himself as a practicing Christian, but says that his reasons for abstinence are not dictated by his church.

“It’s not that I don’t have hormonal desires, or that I think ‘Oh, God doesn’twant me to have sex,” Baehr says.

For Baehr, the question is not why he would choose abstinence, but why he would choose to have sex.

“I’ve been in relationships without sexual intercourse, and the endings of those relationships were very painful,” Baehr says. “I imagine that if we had been intimate, I would have experienced the pain at an even more intense level which I am not ready to handle.”

But for Parker, abstinence is not about protecting himself from intense emotions. Instead, he wants to ensure that intimacy is as intense and powerful as it can possibly be—on his wedding night.

“I think premarital sex permanently desensitizes people to something really special,” Parker says. “Only within the binding commitment of marriage can people experience the act’s full meaning.”

While students like Parker and Brinton may be unusual in their conscious commitment to abstinence, they are certainly not the only ones who are not having sex.

According to an online survey conducted by University Health Services (UHS) last spring that drew an undergraduate response rate of 40 percent, nearly half of all respondents (47 percent) reported that they had never engaged in vaginal intercourse. The national average for undergraduates at other colleges stood significantly lower at 31 to 32 percent.

IS EVERYBODY ‘DOING IT’?

While many abstinent students say that their peers have been mostly supportive of their decision to wait, others can recall times when their choice made them feel somewhat alienated.

“In the high school locker room, my teammates would be constantly high-fiving and congratulating each other on what girls they had been with that weekend,” Baehr says. “When me and a few others commiserated about being excluded, we decided to reclaim the idea of being a virgin as something to be proud of, and I never felt bad after that.”

At Harvard, others have joined Baehr in his decision to promote virginity as something to be prized. The TRL founders, Sarah M. Kinsella ’07 and Justin S. Murray ’07, who are dating and both Catholic, say they hoped their non-secular group could provide a place where abstinence was accepted.

“I hope that we can improve campus attitudes towards sex,” Kinsella said. “At the very least, we can alleviate the sense of pressure for our members, and let them know that they are not the only ones who are waiting.”

But perhaps that very “pressure” is largely based on legend rather than reality, surveys conducted by UHS suggest.

“There is no question that there is a significant disparity between perception and reality when it comes to sex,” says UHS Director David S. Rosenthal ’59.

One survey item asked respondents to guess the number of partners the “average” Harvard student has per year. While only 4.6 percent of respondents said that the average student had no partners, the poll revealed that 39.8 percent of respondents reported having no sexual partners, while another 38.4 percent reported having just one partner. Although over 70 percent of survey takers guessed that the average Harvard student had two or more partners per year, only 22 percent of respondents reported having had two or more partners.

The poll reveals that on average, Harvard students have less than one sexual partner per year—suggesting that abstinence may be a fact of life for many students, even those who aren’t members of the TLR.

THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE, THE NEED TO KNOW

Although sexual experience varies widely from person to person, perhaps the question to ask is not how much sex students are having, but how much they know about sex.

Ruth K. Westheimer, the sex expert, author, and radio personality who recently spoke during Harvard Women’s Week, was quick to point out the difference between abstaining from sexual activity and missing out on sexual education in her talk to students.

“[People who choose to be abstinent] should still know everything there is to be taught about orgasm, about caressing, about contraceptives, about STDs, about everything,” Westheimer said.

But TRL member Thomas R. Jackson ’08 worries that the campus’ willingness to discuss sex silences those who advocate abstinence.

Jackson says that “it is important to show a different view of sex and sexuality,” especially with campus groups like FemSex—an all-female, not for credit seminar which explores sexuality—dominating the discourse.

FemSex coordinator Andrea V. Halpern ’07 says she does not see exploring sexuality as incompatible with abstinence.

“Abstinence is one among the many choices that FemSex participants make,” Halpern says. “There is no suggested FemSex course of action, and the course is about women getting together and talking about their different experiences.”

Westheimer too said engaging in sexual activity is a personal choice that shouldn’t be influenced by the choices of peers.

“If you decide not to be sexually active, don’t let anyone pressure you,” Westheimer said. “These are your values, these are your religious beliefs, this is your morality, so stick to it.”

DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS

While campus sex blogger Lena Chen ’09 says that she respects her abstinent peers, she holds a different personal philosophy on the issue.

“Personally, I would not endorse saving myself for after marriage,” says Chen, who is also a Crimson magazine editor. “Sexual chemistry is such an integral part of a relationship. As Samantha on ‘Sex and the City’ said, ‘you have to kick a car’s tires before buying it.’”

Amanda L. Shapiro ’08, the president of the Harvard Secular Society, also expresses concern about the TLR’s focus on marriage, as opposed to “true love.”

“The idea that marriage is sacred and can only be preserved by abstinence is inherently rooted in religion,” Shapiro says. “By focusing on the sanctity of marriage, the True Love Revolution really ostracizes students who are saving sex for committed love, but not necessarily a ring.”

Nonetheless, Brinton and Parker say they have every intention of sticking to abstinence. Even though both doubt that marriage looms in their immediate futures, neither felt as if they were missing out by not having sex in the meantime.

Brinton, who says that all but one of her roommates are also abstinent, says that no one at Harvard has criticized or mocked her decision.

If anything, she says her abstinence has inspired her peers to rethink their own choices.

“I heard from a friend that my one roommate who isn’t abstinent once said that she wished she could have a relationship like ours,” Brinton says. “I think that people who aren’t abstinent feel something within them that is telling them that there is a better way.”

“We’re different from most couples because we have something far greater than physical attraction holding us together,” Brinton says as Parker nods in agreement. “Our relationship is built on friendship, communication, and trust, and is guaranteed to last a lot longer.”

—Staff writer Nan Ni can be reached at nni@fas.harvard.edu.